ColleensLife

5 years

Today is my 5th wedding anniversary!  I’m so honored to be married to such a wonderful God fearing man.  He truly is the only one who gets me, who understands me.  He knows how to respond gently to me and he knows when he needs to be a little stronger against my already stubborn, strong personality.  He encourages my positive qualities and challenges my destructive ones.  Ya did good God.  You picked a good one to balance me out.  I can be a hot-head sometimes….

Choosing Brett

I didn’t always know what I wanted in a spouse.  At one time, as long as my significant other was cute, popular, and nice…that was all I cared about.   But eventually I grew up and realized that having a relationship took much, much more then that.  It is more then choosing someone who is simply and general a “good person.”  It is more then choosing someone who is simply a “nice guy.”  It’s more then just choosing the first guy who is willing to date me.

When I started going to Bowling Green, I got involved in a Christian organization called H2O and eventually started attending CRU.  There, I was exposed to many relationships while involved in both these groups.  These relationships were structured in a way I had never seen before; they were deep, different, and Godly.  I could tell these women didn’t settle for just any man who would love them, they waited for the right man with good character, who God intended them to be with.

Once I saw these relationships, I realized that is what i wanted.  I remember reaching a point in college where I decided that I would rather be single for the rest of my life, then settle for an average guy.  I wanted the one God wanted for me, nothing less — even if that meant remaining single.  But once I felt the calling and the blessing of God to indeed start praying for a spouse, what I decided was that I wasn’t  going to settle for less then the list I typed below  (Scripture references  for each standard are limited to the ones I have provided).

I got this list from a dear from who I met in BG.  Her name is Jen P.  She constructed this list and gave it to me and I eventually adapted it as my standards too.

For all you women who have asked me, “How did you know what to look for in a guy?”  This is the list I went by.  I refused to settle for anything less, even if that meant a life of single hood.  I prayed over it and prayed over it.   God answered my prayers, and his name is Brett.  My prayer for you, ladies, is that you will never settle.

Standards

-Must love the Lord with every part of his heart, his mind and his body. (Duet 6:5)

-Must be discipled and teachable, and be willing to disciple others.  Must have a servants heart. (Col 3:23-24; Eph 4:1-12))

-Must be able to see God at work in his life and must be able to see growth. (Jer 17:7-8)

-SHould be constantly checking himself against God’s standards and other peoples input. (Prov 15:22)

-Must have close male friends from whom he receives input and council.  Must support me in my close female friendships. (Prov 15:22)

-Must display a high level of respect for the women in his life, both physically and emotionally. (1 Tim 5:2)

-Must respect his parents and strive to involve them in his life. (Eph 6:1-2)

-Must be willing to seek council specifically on our relationship from a married couple. (Prov 15:22; Prov 1:5)

-Must be willing and ready to pray about any steps to be taken involving our relationship and give me space to make my decision. (Song of Songs 3:5)

-Must, if not share, absolutely respect my physical standards/boundaries and not push the lines or pressure me to over step my boundaries. (1 Tim 5:2; Eph 5;3)

-I would prefer to be pursued and not just “let things happen.”  I want to be desired for qualities that he sees in me rather then having an attitude of  ”She’s kind of a cool girl, lets see where this can go.”  I want to be sought after for my character.  I don’t want to be “next on the list.” (Prov 31:10)

-Must feel let to pursue me and have prayed about it before asking me for any type of relationship.  I want him to have the blessings of his Mentors to pursue me.  (Phil 4:6)

-Must be a spiritual leader in my life and seek council on how to do that. (Heb 13:17)

-Must work to create appropriate Godly intimacy in a timely, but not premature, manner.  I don’t need to know his deepest secret nor does he need to know mine during the early stages of our relationship.  We need to connect emotionally at an appropriate pace.  Godly intimacy does not equal physical intimacy.  ((song of songs 3:5)

-Must be affectionate, but not overly so.  He must acknowlege me and accept me.  (song of songs 3:5: Eph 5:3)

-Must be socially adept and work well with people.  (Rom 12:10)

-Must have a positive attitude towards life, generally.  (1 Thes 5:16)

-Must strive to be my best friend and to maintain the friendship within the relationship. (1 Tim 5:2)

-Must be affirming and patient with my insecurities. (Prov 31:28; 1 cor 13:4-7)

-Must make our relationship a priority, but not the main one.  He must keep God the first relationship and keep Him at the center.  He must be able to keep his close friendship with men while in a relationship with me.  Our relationship cannot consume our lives or push out other friendships.  (Duet 6:5; Ex 20:3; Prov 11:14; Prov 24:5; Prov 27:17)

-Must consistently ask about my life and be interested in the responses. He must remember to ask about the little things.  (Romans 12: 10)

-Must challenge me spiritually and in my life. (Prov 11:14; Prob 19:20)

And then in the book of Titus, Paul, the writer, lists the qualities the church Elders should possess.  I have always held these same qualities for whoever I was going to date and eventually marry:

An elder must not be guilty of doing wrong, must have only one wife, and must have believing children. They must not be known as children who are wild and do not cooperate.  As God’s managers, overseers must not be guilty of doing wrong, being selfish, or becoming angry quickly. They must not drink too much wine, like to fight, or try to get rich by cheating others.  Overseers must be ready to welcome guests, love what is good, be wise, live right, and be holy and self-controlled.  By holding on to the trustworthy word just as we teach it, overseers can help people by using true teaching, and they can show those who are against the true teaching that they are wrong. 

-Titus 1:6-9

Can I brag on my man a bit?

I’m very thankful for my loving husband.  I’m thankful that the value he sees in me is Jesus.  The other week I was having an insecure moment.  Without getting to much in to why I was insecure, here is how he built me up in that moment.

Brett sat down with me, looked me in the eye and said,  “Why do you care what people think of you?  Your value does not lie in book smarts (in this case, my spelling abilities…or lack there of).  I chose to marry you because of your love for Jesus, THAT is wisdom,  THAT is knowledge.  I’d rather you accept Christ and not know what 2+2 is then for you to have all the knowledge this world can offer.  Your wisdom is eternal, not temporary.”

What a man.  That’s why I chose him. Within moments I felt better.  Brett is the type of husband who builds me up and helps me to see my true worth.   I’m so thankful he sees the value in me that is not based on anything other then the knowledge of Jesus Christ.  We base our marriage around Jesus, not on what this world suggests.  It is Jesus and the qualities He possess that keep our marriage working.

Happy 5 years Boo Face.

OH! I almost forgot.  Brett wrote a blog post on how he proposed to me.  Take a read!  Our Engagement 

 

Reality check.  I love a good reality check.  However, it does make me kind of preachy….

I just finished reading the book Passport through Darkness by Kimberly L. Smith.  She wrote this book after giving 5 years of her life in the Sudan.  How do I even begin to blog about this book.   What she writes in this book has horrified me, broken me, and burdens me.  She writes about the reality of trafficking, rape and murder that goes on in this place and these villages.

I’m looking at my life in America and am thinking, If my biggest worry is if I am able to afford our next months bills, then I’m doing OK.  Or, If my biggest worry is if this pregnancy will work out, then I’m doing OK.  Or, if my biggest worry is are those workers going to make my drink right at Starbucks, then I’m doing OK.  We are very privileged here in America, even those of us who are facing the worst of the worst in life.  I’m not trying to dumb down our American problem’s but, we do have it made here.  Have you been hurt in your past?  You have access to counseling.  Are you sick?  You have access to doctors and hospitals.  In financial distress?  We have a government that will help.  And the list goes on of all the ways we can have a happy ending to our woes here in America.

I sit here on my computer, in my safe warm (actually cooled) living room, with my two cats sleeping cozy next to me, feet propped, sipping ice cold water that I lazily got from my tap.  My biggest concern of the day was, what am I going to do with all this time on my day off.  Its my birthday!  My biggest tragedy in my life has been prematurely giving birth to my beautiful daughters Grace and Ellie.  My biggest worry right now is, who will make fun of all my misspellings after reading this blog post?  As well as, will this baby survive?

Now lets talk about the worries and concerns of the people in Sudan.   Right now, they don’t even know how old or young they are.  They might be taking their 3rd long journey to collect water for their village, that by the way, is invested with human and animal feces.   And that’s if water is even available.   On their way, there is a very high possibility that they, being the women, will be raped by multiple men at one time if they happen to cross the wrong people at the wrong time.  Not only will they be raped, but when these men are finished, they will mutilate these women’s genitals and destroy their womb so they can not conceive anymore.  Also, they just lost the 20th person that day to malaria or meningitis.  Loosing a baby prematurely and enduring that heartbreak is a blessing compared to what lies ahead for these people.  Right now their village might be under attack.   And if that is the case, they better be willing to worship Allah on the spot or they will have to watch their children be raped to death.   If some of the women are lucky, they will get away with their life, but, they will be marked by their rapist.  This will ensure that no man will ever marry them.

Kimberly interviews these once nameless people while serving in the Sudan and shares their stories in this book.  She has been through Hell and back trying to help and save these people and orphans, and has seen the Hell these people face everyday.  She, personally has her own hellish horror story to tell that she experienced while serving them as well.

There is one undeniable fact: Though the road was tough, Hellish, long, dangerous, and even cost her her very innocence, God still called her there.   At the end of the book she writes this to her readers.  I hope it encourages you to face and step into whatever God has written for you while you finish out your life on this Earth.

From Her Heart To Ours

Finally, I’ve found exactly what I was created to be and do.  I have no doubt I am married to the man I need to be married to and I am up to my neck in the exact Kingdom role I was designed to play.  My daily prayer is that God would use my victories, wounds, and transgressions forged along the way to encourage others to risk losing everything to know the life God dreams for them, for you.

I pray my journey helps you to discover — then dare to uncover — whatever shame, fear, or lies Satan uses to keep you bound and barred from living the life God dreams for you.

This is the life on the edge — where so much is uncertain, maybe even scary, certainly out of our control; but it’s also where true freedom lives.

Alcoholics Anonymous has a saying: “Yesterday is history; tomorrow’s a mystery.”  The space in between is as thin and sharp as a razor.  It’s called today.  Steadying ourselves on today demands neither regretting nor glorifying yesterday, while not attempting to control what tomorrow my bring.  Living today requires a sense of adventure, engaging both the joy and the sorrow, the beauty and the pain of every moment of every day, and searching for God’s dry stones in the turbulent waters of life.

When we’re willing to do that, it doesn’t matter if we find ourselves in the Sahara Desert, an urban jungle, or our own family circus, the fog clears and we begin to see who He imagined when He first dreamed of us.  Your journey will sail you though different ports than mine, but it will most assuredly be full of your own God-ordained adventures.  Largely, if you let it, it will lead you to face some of your deepest fears.

Your jorney will be where God’s pleasure and your purpose meet, not mine.  Your destination is the same as mine — an intimate encounter between you and your Creator — but your route will be filled with adventures, both mild and wild, made just for you.

No less challenging.

No less exhilarating.

Uniquely yours.

As when Abraham placed Isaac on the altar, when we’re ready to risk what we hold most sacred, we step into that adventurous life, the only one that matters,  There we find our purpose and feel His pleasure — His delight in us.  Beaming with the Light of His image, we clearly see the exact dream He holds for each one of us.  In that Light and life, we find Him — our passport through Darkness

Love,

Your sister along the journey,

K

 

My 30th Birthday is in just a week.  OH Lawd!   I am welcoming it with open arms though, because to me it represents a new chapter in my life:  Motherhood.

Ironically, I’ve been seeing and hearing about THIS list the past few days.  It has been on the radio and on facebook.   It’s titled, Turning 30: 30 Things Every Women Should Have And Should Know.  Lets go through the list, shall we. I’ll let you know which ones I’ve achieved and which ones I haven’t.   I hope you don’t mind my critiques.  I have also made my own list at the end.  A list that I feel is more appropriate for myself, and one I would rather strive for.

By 30, you should have …

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come. (Umm, why?  I’m married to the love of my life.  Is it really healthy to imagine going back to an Ex?  As far as the “one who reminds me of how far I’ve come”  well, I would say, it’s more healthy to focus of the future then the past.  I know who I am and don’t need an EX to remind me of that.  All in all, no man defines me. You ladies who have never dated anyone at all who are also closing in on 30, you are doing just fine).  Mark this as “Not achieved.”

2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family. (I can see the value in this.  Sure, by thirty, It is probably healthy to be living on your own with your own furniture.  But hey, saving some money and receiving hand-me-downs Isn’t unwise.)  Achieved.

3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour. (Again, why use men to define why we do something?  How about you find that perfect outfit to wear that simply makes you feel beautiful and call it a day.  Wear it everyday for all I care.  And DON’T wash it).  NOT achieved for the reason Glamour would say.

4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.  ( I don’t care what people think of these things….) .Achieved.

5. A youth you’re content to move beyond. (I really love this one.  Ladies, your past does not define you; the past YOU caused or a past another person caused to happen to you.)  Achieved.

6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age. (I felt my insides turn when I read this one.  I do not need a juicy past to be an interesting person.  How about a fun past rather then a juicy one.)  Not achieved.

7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age — and some money set aside to help fund it.  (This is just wise and common sense.  I am working on accepting my age and, yes, Brett and I are investing in our future.)  Achieving.

8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account — all of which nobody has access to but you. (I like this one.  Ladies, your significant other doesn’t need your password to any social network, voicemail or email address.  If they insist on having them, run.  They are a control freak.   And there is a time when you need to cut the ties with the parents, too.  If they have access to this stuff by the time you are 30.  GOOD GOD!   As far as the bank account goes, to each her own.  I am married.  We view ourselves as “One” in this area and consider none of our assets as “mine”,  including income.  We provide for each other.  I do think that last one is a personal preference, though).  Achieved.

9. A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.  (People do this?)  Achieved.

10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.  (Beautiful).  Achieved.

11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra. (Yes, yes, and huh?)  Achieved…???

12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.  (So much wrong with this.  Oh, the idea of  ”I deserve it!”  Is this an American thing?   So you go bankrupt in the process… darn it,  you deserved it.  UM NO.  Not wise.  Not at all).  Not achieved.  Nor will I ever.  Not with that mindset anyway.

13. The belief that you deserve it. (No, NO, NO NO.  That mindset of  ”I deserve it”  is one of the main problems with humanity.  This is why we as a country, or any country for that matter, have problems.  You see it, you want it, you deserve it.  YUCK.  This is why we see bankruptcy, rape, murder, etc,   This idea is the root of selfishness.) Not achieved.

14.  A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30. (This is great!  Healthy living).  Achieving.

15.  A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better. (Nothing wrong with a satisfying career.  Nothing wrong with a satisfying life as a mother.  Nothing wrong with a satisfying relationship.  Nothing wrong with a satisfying life of single hood.)  Achieved.

By 30, you should know …

1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.  (This is great.  Fall in love, find yourself, don’t find yourself in a another person.  Don’t forget who you are becoming).  Achieved.

2. How you feel about having kids.  (Yeah, it seems like a good idea to know how you feel about this.  Especially if you are in a relationship with someone.)  Achieved.

3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.  (Good qualities to have, definitely.)  Achieved.

4. When to try harder and when to walk away.  (Yes.  In other words: learn to have boundaries with yourself and others.  It’s ok to say “no” sometimes)  Achieved.

5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.  (No, ladies, lets use our words and not be passive.)  I Achieve this through communication, not passive signals.

6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.  (Why is this important again?)  Achieved, not achieved, not achieved.

7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.  (Some people wont have to face this until later in life.  Either way, it seems like it should be more of a personal goal then a “every woman should” goal.  I could if I had to, but I hope I don’t have to for a LONG time).  Achieved (if had to)

8. Where to go — be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat — when your soul needs soothing.  (Ahh, knowing ones self.  It is always a good idea to know how to recharge.  I recharge in Starbucks with a good book, bible, Jesus and a cup of coffee.  Throw a friend or two in the mix once in a while and im a new woman!)  Achieved.

9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents. (Mmm, being content with who you are and where you came from.  Beautiful and needed.  Yes and amen!)  Achieving.

10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.  (Love this one.  Let the past be the past.  If you need to achieve that with counseling and some meds, you have my support.  Been there, done that.  The point is, to work through it, and move on.  We have all had a hurtful past of some sort.  Choose not to be the victim anymore)  Achieved.

11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.  (I mean, yeah, sure. why not?)  Achieved

12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.  (So, stay healthy is what I am interpreting this as.  Yes, our body is a temple.  Lets take care of it).  Achieved

13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.  (More good advice.  Yes, again, why not?  I am still on the road of  ”dont take it so personally”)  Achieving.

14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.  (For people who find themselves just saying “sorry”  for no reason and for anything just to make sure someone isn’t mad at them, yes, this idea can be quite freeing and a chance to grow.  But for those of us who have a hard time apologizing, like myself, lets practice some humility  Achieving.

15. Why they say life begins at 30.  (Does it?  Well AWESOME!)  Achieving may 4th!

 

A Few Of My Own

I made a list of my own. Some of them are kind of like the ones above, just maybe worded different or with a twist.   Some of the are my own christian views.  Feel free to add them to your personal list.

1.  Know truth.  I think the search for absolute truth is the most important search an individual can have.  The idea of “Everyones belief is right”  sounds nice and friendly, but, logically, doesn’t work.  We cant just make up a belief that sounds cool and expect it to be true.  If that was the case then I have a belief that if I eat one billion cookies i’ll stay skinny!  Same goes for the after life.  Just cuz you think it and wish for it, doesn’t mean it’s always true.  See what I mean?   There really can only be one right way.   This search matters.  I like the coexist bumper sticker, not because I think all beliefs are right, but because we should be able to coexist in peace while at the same time being ok that someone might think your view is wrong.  Sometimes expecting everyone to be open-minded is close-minded.

2.  Love and know God,  yourself,  and others.  Love yourself, not because you are better then others, but because, by accepting and loving who God made you enables you to accept and love the way God made others.  Find yourself feeling like someone is annoying?  Perhaps that is the exact quality that you think is annoying about yourself.  Find yourself jealous of someone?  Perhaps its because you have not learned to accept and love the fact that you have different God given talents then the other person.

Love God.  I mean really know and trust Him as Lord of your life– that He is looking out for you, and has your back.  The ability to trust God even when life is cruel.  Do you really not believe in God?  Or are you just mad that a God that MIGHT exist allowed evil to happen to you.  Hate is still acknowledgment.  Love God for who He is, the redemption He offers and acceptance like no  other.

3. Have girlfriends that are closer to you then guy friends.  It’s time to grow up and  get some girlfriends.  By 30, ladies, we need to be getting along with girls.  If you are thinking “But girls are catty!”  I hate to say it but,  thats catty!  Learning how to get along with other ladies is difficult.  But I promise you, the harvest you will reap is lifelong.  Which leads me to my next point.

4.  Learn how to forgive and forget.  Ladies I think if we could learn the art of this, having girlfriends wouldn’t be so difficult.  We are human, we are going to hurt each other.  Step into a relationship knowing you are going to hurt and get hurt and this will solve half your problems.  Work your issues out together if  its safe to, and MOVE ON!  Don’t bring it up again, don’t think about it again.   If you do think about it again, remind yourself that you have worked through it and its over.

Now in cases where you need to forgive an abuser, forgiveness looks a little different.  In this situation, forgiveness is for your freedom and does NOT mean you need to have any type of relationship with your abuser.   Learning to forgive does not mean what happened to you was ok, it simply begins the process of release for YOU from your abuser.

5.  Let others in on your life.  I mean the deep stuff.  I mean the stuff you would NEVER want to share because if you did, you would probably be rejected.  Yeah, that stuff.    To be known fully AND accepted is a beautiful beautiful thing.  If you are thinking you have no friends in your life that you can have that type of relationship with, then its time for new friends.

6.  Along with number 5, let others speak truth to you.  Let others “call you out.”   Let others tell you that you are wrong, that your life is destructive, and that you need to make changes in your life.  On the flip side,  Let people complement you, encourage you, and simply love you!  Both are powerful.

7.  You only need one man.  His name is Jesus and He will meet all your needs.

 

Please add to my list.  I have to run and I KNOW I am missing some really important ones!  THose were the first ones that popped in to my mind though.