ColleensLife

I am a Stay-At-Home Mommy!  I always knew that no matter what I went to college for, this is what I ultimately wanted to do if we were able to financially.   God has definitely  provided a way for us through His Grace and Brett’s business.  I feel so blessed.  We won’t be able to have the lifestyle we once had-  we have had to make huge cuts to the budget, but we are able to do it, and I am so glad.

I greatly struggled with this decision during the months leading up to the end, for a few reasons.

It seems these days, that a woman’s value is in her education, and then after, her career.  It’s seems a woman is respected more if she is perceived to have higher education and a prestigious job.  Stay at home mom?  What value is in that?  Besides, it seems so easy.  I’ll be able to keep the house clean, have dinner ready at a decent hour, start hobbies, take naps….I’ll have a life again!  Boy, was I mistaken!  In fact, check out the way our house looks currently.  By the time I got home from grocery shopping, Pearl was crying and didn’t want to be put down, she was hungry.  I had to hurry and throw all the food in the fridge, grocery bags flying everywhere, food scattered…  HURRY AND FEED….

and now she is finally asleep…  Yeah, I think I’ll blog instead of clean.

Brett is now the only one financially supporting us. I struggled with being a Stay-At-Home-Mom for that reason too.  It seemed to me that staying home meant I wasn’t going to “Pull my weight.” Is it fair for me to spend money on myself if I’m not the one making it?  Is it fair that the weight of our financial stability weighs completely on him?

Also, I wondered what people were going to think of me if I stayed home.  Was I “looked down upon?”  Were people going to judge me?  Do I look like a lazy freeloader?

…..and then we had our first night alone with her….

And my whole opinion about “value” and “pulling my weight” and “feeling bad if I choose not to go back” completely changed.  Being a care provider for a life is hard work.  After my first 24hrs alone with her…I did NOT feel bad about the possibility of staying home.

….and then we had our first day home with her……

I did not get anything done.  I had a long list of chores I wanted to do, not one was complete that day, not even that first week.  I remember looking at my house and thinking, “This is now how I explicated this to go…”

For awhile I contemplated going back.  I remember a distinct moment during the first week when I realized that having a baby is permanent.  If she is hungry, I feed her.  If she cries, I have to hold her no matter what needs to get done, OR the fact we have to be somewhere in 15 minutes and I still haven’t showered, or fed Pearl, or changed her diaper, or even got her out of her pj’s that day yet.   The thought crossed my mind, If I go back to work…I can have a break!

But as we really thought about it, we both decided that daycare wasn’t was best for us or Pearl for many reasons I’ll leave out as not to offend anyone.  Mostly though, if I did go back to work, that meant I would only get 1 or 2 short hours at the end of the day with Pearl, and most of that time I would be making dinner.  My heart couldn’t handle that and it didn’t settle right in my heart or spirit.  In the end, if I did go back to work, the cost of daycare, plus the gas I used to drive to work (I filled my tank once a week), we really wouldn’t be a making enough off the top to justify me going back.  I enjoyed my job, but that was it, it was more a job then a career.

Taking care of this sweet one is my career now.  A noble, honorable, cherished, high ranking, most valuable, career.

Yesterday I was breastfeeding and I noticed Pearl got very still.  Her eyes were closed and her right eye started to twitch rapidly.

What is going on

Shortly after that her right arm flung out straight, got very stiff and her hand turned claw-like.  Her whole body was stiff, from what I can remember

She is having a seizure 

I pulled her off my breast, screamed for Brett, and just watched until her body relaxed, her eyes opened, and she started acting like herself again.  The episode really only lasted about 2 seconds.

I drew her to myself and just wept and wept.  I weep even now.

We called our pediatrician who instructed us to head right to the ER.  It’s typical for infants to have seizures if they have a fever, but she didn’t have one.   Off to the ER we went.  With further evaluation, Pearl seemed to be fine.  They didn’t hook her up to any machines or anything, they just checked her reflexes and some other little tests that check to make sure she has the correct reflexes.  Everything was fine.  We were released and instructed to follow up with our Pediatrician today.

Unfortunately, she has done this two more times.  Possibly 3.  It happens when I’m breastfeeding and one time when I was watching her stir from sleep.  It’s not reflux and it’s not her choking.  Thankfully, I was able to record her most recent episode, which I will be showing my Pedi.

I am everything you are imagining I am –  I’ve been crying most the day, analyzing her, thinking the worst, wondering if she is going to be a “normal” child. Is this a sign of something else?  Is she developing right?

We aren’t for sure if she is having seizures.  Of course I don’t want it to be.  But if it’s not, what is it?

It’s hared for me to pray and talk to God in times like this. I force myself.  I tend to pray, “You know whats happening, do something about it!”  Not OK.  I need to humble myself and simply trust.

Guide us and the Doctors. Please help us figure out whats going on.  Please protect her development.  Truth: You have already planned each of Pearls days, who she is, who she will be, how she will develop and what her life will be like.  You have each of her days numbered and each day is intentional for Your glory.  Amen.

For my sanity, prayers and encouragement is what we would appreciate you posting.  Thoughts on what this might be or stories of a friend whose kid “fill in the blank”….. Well, I think it would be best for us right now to not hear stories, or opinions just yet.

Caught a smile while she was sleeping.

Yesterday I was looking at old pictures on Facebook.  I went all the way back to last year and began to weep when I came to this picture.

It’s the first time I have wept over them since Pearl was born.  I remember that moment in that picture.  This was Brett and I saying goodbye. I remember not wanting to leave the hospital because staying at the hospital meant I didn’t have to move forward with life- I didn’t have to move on without these girls.  I remember wondering what it would feel like the moment we walked out of the hospital empty handed.   But here we are, a year later, healing still with arms very full now.

The timing of Pearls birth and pregnancy still blows me away.  Pearl wasn’t born on the 8th, but I think being born on the 9th was appropriate.   Grace and Ellie can have their birthday first, and then Pearl.  I never want to over shadow the girls.  I never want to forget or not celebrate them.

Speaking of not forgetting, when I came home from the hospital, I took a moment to begin a blog post.  When I signed on, I saw that I got over 700 hits on the 8th.  That means, over 700 people remembered.  700 people took the time to remember, think of, and celebrate Grace, Ellie, and our family.

Im still trying to figure out how celebrating Grace and Ellie will work in the future.  This year we didn’t do anything because most of the 8th I was at the hospital.  And obviously, the next day I was celebrating Pearl and then recovering over the next weeks.  AND obviously getting used to caring for a newborn.

We will never forget you, Grace and Ellie.  We will always celebrate you.  You are part of our family and each of our children will know of your existence.

Happy belated birthday.