I’m sure you are all wondering what happened at the Doctors office today. Let me give you a glimpse into our life this past week first.
This last week Brett and I had been preparing our hearts to get ready for a miscarriage. The doctor we saw was pretty convinced that aborting the pregnancy was the best way to go and that, for sure, our pregnancy was not viable. I, myself, had been asking God to please have loads of grace on me as I begin that process. ”Lord I’m nervous to walk through this, but I will.” Everyday I waited. I waited for the spotting, waited for the cramps, they never came. What I DID notice was morning sickness slowly progressing. How does morning sickness set it if there is no heartbeat?
As Christians, we are sometimes put in funny position balancing between the natural and the supernatural. We know what Jesus is capable of, that He works beyond what the natural says is possible, but, we also recognize that we live in a natural fallen world where “reality” is also very real. What does a christian do with that?
All week Brett and I chewed on, wrestled with, and prayed through that. How does one have hope without getting their hopes up? I believe Jesus CAN do it, but WILL He? And if He doesn’t…then what? A day after we were told to abort, I had an honest conversation with God. Not an angry one….just an honest one.
“I understand why people don’t believe in You. Its easy to be an Atheist. If someone, prays to you their whole life, and they ask for a sign or evidence of You, and You never answer them in a way they understand is You…can you blame them for not believing that You are real? And, in my situation, can You blame me that I’M starting to doubt?”
The Lord answered me with this:
For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse. -Romans 1:20
So then the question I was left to answer was: “Then do I walk away from You, because, I am hurt and broken?”
At that moment I wanted to. I wanted to walk away from Jesus. I was done with this Christian thing. Lets face it, it felt pretty cruel to find out on Grace and Ellie’s birthday that I was pregnant, just for it to end this way. Did I really want to serve a God like that?
But then again, is it fair to only serve God when He is serving me? Should I not accept the bad along with the good from God? Do I only follow Him when life goes my way? God is going to shake us up a bit. He is going to allow trials. He’s going to be controversial. Was he not controversial when he said, “Eat my flesh and drink my blood.”? In fact, some of his disciples were so upset by this phrase, that they walked away from Him. To the rest of the remaining disciples, He said this:
“You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve. Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.” – John 6:67-69
I felt God asking this same question to me. ”You do not want to leave, do you?” My hearts answer was as Simon Peters, “Lord, to whom shall I go? You have words of Eternal life. Please speak them to this little baby inside of me. But if you don’t, I will NOT walk away.”
For the rest of the week, Brett and I kinda just lived a normal life. It was so odd, these last few days I was walking through pretty thick peace and joy. I had a peace about miscarrying, not peace that I would, but a peace of being ok if God chose that. For the first time I didn’t want a miracle because I “needed” it to continue to believe God was real and good. For the first time, I wanted it for Him, for His glory.
On the way to the doctors I told Brett that I wanted a super-duper-double-caffeinated beverage on our way home. We were assuming that we were going in to simply confirmed that there was no heartbeat. I was not looking forward to seeing a lifeless baby in my womb, but at the same time, I was looking forward to just getting this over with so that we could move on. Moving on with a caffeinated beverage is the way to go!
When the Tec first brought up the image, the gestational sac looked completely empty. She searched around for a bit and we saw nothing. I thought to myself that the baby must have dissolved (that happens sometimes).
Me- Is there not even a baby in there anymore?
Tec- Well, just hang on sec.
Just a few LONG seconds after that, we saw a little bean sitting up against the side of the wall. As as the Tec zoomed in, there it was, a tiny little flickering right in the center of this little bean. I was trying to contain myself, trying to hold back tears. Then I felt Brett’s hand touch my shoulder, he saw it too.
Brett- Is that a heartbeat?
Tec- I think it is. Let me get the doctor so he can confirm.
When she left the room, Brett and I just stared at each other in silence until the Doctor came in the room. We both had no idea what to say. We were in shock! By this time I couldn’t control my tears, they were flowing all down my face. All i kept thinking was, “You’ve got to be kidding me. Lord, is this for real? Is this REAL??”
The doctor came in and confirmed the heartbeat. He said the gestational sac looked good, like a circle, nothing to be concerned about. He said that we aren’t out of the woods yet, to come back in 2 weeks and hes going to take a look at us again just to make sure everything is progressing ok.
After the Doctor and the Tec left the room, Brett and I held each other and cried, and laughed, and cried, and laughed. God has fixed what was not made right. He brought back what the Enemy tried to rob. We are taking this day by day, one day at a time. Today, we are thankful to see this miracle. We are thankful we did not abort this pregnancy. We are thankful God is bigger then any medical advice.
Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?” “Yes, Lord,” she replied, “I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, who is to come into the world.”- John 11:25-27