ColleensLife

(Thank You for sending this poem my way on this day, Elya.  I hope to write a blog post about your family soon)

A Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown

I got my D&C yesterday.  I always get nervous being put under.  The idea of being put in a “forced” sleep makes me uneasy.  Plus all the needles and IV’s….it makes me lightheaded thinking about it.

But everything went good, except for the fact that I lost a little more blood then they wanted me to, which caused me to be pretty dizzy and nauseated for the rest of the day and night.   Nothing a little extra fluids couldn’t fix.  This D&C was the last hurtle before being able to try again, the last chapter of this dramatic saga in my life.   I’m ready to write a new story, one full of life, love and many babies (twins in the mix hopefully).

We are allowed to start trying again in when i get my cycle in November.  Speaking of cycle, it started October 1st.  Never in my life would i have thought i would be THIS excited to get a period.  We all hate this time of the month, am I right ladies?  But for me, this time it’s saying, “Lets try this again.  Redemtion.  Opportunity.”

I am ok if this takes awhile.  I still need time to heal, emotionally.

The things that still hurt/that are difficult are:

1.  Not knowing Grace and Ellie.  My heart literally aches at the thought of not knowing who they are or who they could be.

2.  Wanting to see them fully developed.  I look at the pictures of them and want “more.”  More baby, developed healthy and growing.  What would they have looked like at age 1? Age 2?  Age 3?  As young women?  It kills me.

3.  Coming to the realization that this will be something i will never forget or leave behind.  I struggle with wanting to live my life as if it never happened, cuz darn it, it hurts remembering.  Im trying to find the balance of not forgetting them, and at the same time, movimg on.  Im trying to find healthiness in continuing to remember them but not let it pull me down.

4.  Coming to grips with life not feeling normal.  THIS is my new normal, Grace and Ellie are my daughters who didnt live.  What do i do with that?  Im still trying to “Get it right.”  Going to their grave, that is my new normal.  Every time i go to the grave i think, “This will be my last time visiting.”  Truth is, no its not.  There will not be a “last time” until im with them in Heaven.

5.  I often ask God why i couldnt have just been able to keep them.

6.  Their technical due date was January 1st, their actual due date was going to be the week of thanksgiving (35 weeks).  The twin specialist didn’t want me going any longer then 35 weeks for reasons that are to complicated to type out.  So, the end of November was their estimated time of arrival.  Am I going to be an emotional wreck those days?  Especially that week of Thanksgiving?  Will Thanksgiving always be difficult for me from here on out?  And Christmas, this was going to be our first Christmas with children.   I feel anger rising…so ill stop there.

I thought i would be done grieving by now.  I recently asked a friend (who had a similar situation happen) how long it took to stop grieving.  She said that honestly, i will grieve forever, and that the first year is the hardest.  And, she still cries over her loss.  A year..ok, i can do this.

Until next time readers.  Thanks for journeying with me.

Songs move the heart.  No wonder God loves worship through song so much.  I wanted to post the songs that have helped me through this time in my life.  Some of these songs helped me grieve, some helped me to see Jesus more clearly, some helped me simply to worship God, and some songs brought deep reassurance and healing.  I have already posted some of these in previous blogs, others I haven’t.  I apologize in advance for any cheesy picture show during the song.

Enjoy.

Blessed Be Your Name - Various Artists (As much as I hated this song before I delivered, I cant help but worship when I hear it now)

Your Great Name – Natalie Grant (This song has helped me after my miscarriage as I started to face other fears. “The Enemy, he HAS to flee, at the sound of Your Great Name!”)

How He Loves- John Mark Mcmillan  (This song kinda danced around me before, during and after my pregnancy. Every time I heard this song I had kinda got the sense that I was going to understand the idea of “Grace” in new way eventually at some point in my life.  I knew I wouldn’t just understand it in terms of “salvation” but in terms of “Gods grace is sufficient” and “Gods Grace will get you through.”  Get me through what?  Lifes trials.  Mcmillan wrote this song after the death of a good friend of his)

Came To My Rescue – Hillsong (As I mentioned in my previous blog,  God gave me this song and let me know this song is kinda the anthem of our situation)

The More I Seek You- Kari Jobe (This song explains itself.  Peace)

You Are For Me- Kari Jobe (God is FOR me.  God is FOR me.  God is FOR me.  God is FOR me.  God is FOR me)

Beloved – Kari Jobe (This song was so healing to me after my miscarriage.  I believe this is Gods heart for everyone)

Nothing I Hold On To – Will Reagan (I had to repeat that scripture to myself through sunday night. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding”)

This Is Our God - Hillsong (Everything in this song is who God is.  No matter what life brings you God is still good.  Remember remember remember, Jesus went through the most difficult trial on the whole earth-  He bore all of our sickness, hurts, imperfections and pains (even the grief if loosing Ellie and Grace) He felt it all on the cross.  What is your burden right now?  He carried it for you at the cross)

Blesssings- Laura Story (I cant get through this song without at least tearing up, because, I get what she is saying.  Sometimes our blessings are our trials)

I will Carry You – Selah (If you choose to listen to any of the songs, choose this one.  Just when I think i cant weep anymore, i hear this song. This song is EXACTLY how i feel.  The woman who wrote this song (not the one who sings it) is a christian woman who was told that her baby would not be able to live on her own outside the womb.  She chose to carry the baby full-term anyway in obedience and faith.  The baby only lived a few short hours after she delivered.  She wrote this song about it and the picture show is her actual family and experience.  ”I will praise the One who has chosen me to carry you”)