I got my D&C yesterday. I always get nervous being put under. The idea of being put in a “forced” sleep makes me uneasy. Plus all the needles and IV’s….it makes me lightheaded thinking about it.
But everything went good, except for the fact that I lost a little more blood then they wanted me to, which caused me to be pretty dizzy and nauseated for the rest of the day and night. Nothing a little extra fluids couldn’t fix. This D&C was the last hurtle before being able to try again, the last chapter of this dramatic saga in my life. I’m ready to write a new story, one full of life, love and many babies (twins in the mix hopefully).
We are allowed to start trying again in when i get my cycle in November. Speaking of cycle, it started October 1st. Never in my life would i have thought i would be THIS excited to get a period. We all hate this time of the month, am I right ladies? But for me, this time it’s saying, “Lets try this again. Redemtion. Opportunity.”
I am ok if this takes awhile. I still need time to heal, emotionally.
The things that still hurt/that are difficult are:
1. Not knowing Grace and Ellie. My heart literally aches at the thought of not knowing who they are or who they could be.
2. Wanting to see them fully developed. I look at the pictures of them and want “more.” More baby, developed healthy and growing. What would they have looked like at age 1? Age 2? Age 3? As young women? It kills me.
3. Coming to the realization that this will be something i will never forget or leave behind. I struggle with wanting to live my life as if it never happened, cuz darn it, it hurts remembering. Im trying to find the balance of not forgetting them, and at the same time, movimg on. Im trying to find healthiness in continuing to remember them but not let it pull me down.
4. Coming to grips with life not feeling normal. THIS is my new normal, Grace and Ellie are my daughters who didnt live. What do i do with that? Im still trying to “Get it right.” Going to their grave, that is my new normal. Every time i go to the grave i think, “This will be my last time visiting.” Truth is, no its not. There will not be a “last time” until im with them in Heaven.
5. I often ask God why i couldnt have just been able to keep them.
6. Their technical due date was January 1st, their actual due date was going to be the week of thanksgiving (35 weeks). The twin specialist didn’t want me going any longer then 35 weeks for reasons that are to complicated to type out. So, the end of November was their estimated time of arrival. Am I going to be an emotional wreck those days? Especially that week of Thanksgiving? Will Thanksgiving always be difficult for me from here on out? And Christmas, this was going to be our first Christmas with children. I feel anger rising…so ill stop there.
I thought i would be done grieving by now. I recently asked a friend (who had a similar situation happen) how long it took to stop grieving. She said that honestly, i will grieve forever, and that the first year is the hardest. And, she still cries over her loss. A year..ok, i can do this.
Until next time readers. Thanks for journeying with me.