I remember leaving the hospital grieving deeply and weeping, weeping, weeping. But, I noticed I was not bitter or angry, not at myself, not at Brett, not at…..God? And the peace, the peace I felt driving home and in the coming weeks was the peace I deeply prayed for those two days. There it was…
I vaguely remember our drive home. What I DO remember about it was the deep peace amidst the deep sorrow. I was crying, the hardest deepest cry I have ever cried, but all my heart was feeling was, thankfulness. It was the thankfulness I longed to have and express since January. Though I don’t believe faith should ever be based solely on feelings…I definitely was feeling, something.
That Monday night, Brett, myself and our friend Greg sat in our living room and were just….normal. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to feel, so being “normal” felt right. I downed some Lasagna (made by the beautiful Danielle), we all watched some sort of tv show or movie (was I even really watching?) and then went to bed. I wept intensely that night. But again, peace and thankfulness is what I felt in my deep sorrow. How can that be?
The next day, and in the days to come (and even now) I processed. What were these feelings I was feeling? Grieving and sorrow, yes, but Joy? Peace? Thanfulness? How odd. What else was odd about it? Brett, was feeling the exact same way. Grieving, sadness, sorrow, sure. And peace, and joy, and thankfulness. Why would a heart express such thanks in a situation like this?
The next morning was met shock, “Oh, this did happen.” It was met with deep sadness, and weeping, and feelings of being robbed from, and missing those sweet girls. How I longed to hold them in my arms, or rather, still have them in my womb, growing. I woke up early despite the sleepless night two nights prior. My weeping woke Brett up, and then he started to weep. We just held each other, wept, and prayed. But again, the peace and a heart of thanks…. we both couldn’t deny it.
After soaking in the reality of the past two days, we got out of bed and decided that we were going to go to Starbucks, spend time with Jesus there, and drink loads and loads of caffeine. I had received a slew of texts with bible verses throughout the two days. I looked all of them up and read them thoroughly. It was like I was reading the scriptures anew. Refreshment filled my soul. But still, I wept. And so did Brett.
I remember sitting at starbucks and processing. Images and pictures of the prior months started flashing through my mind. God was digging up the “hidden” workings that I hadnt caught, or even, that I misunderstood since January (Hence God Post part 1). Instantly, it all started “clicking.” Through the sorrow, it “clicked.”
I remember asking God, “Why do I feel so free now that this tragedy happened? Why do I sense Your peace now rather then at the hospital?” It didnt make sense to me, logically (Talk about “peace that surpasses all understanding“). I got a “vision” (for lack of better words) of myself in a cocoon and then the vision flash to the hospital when I was delivering, and then a flash to myself breaking free of the cocoon during labor.” What He revealed to me was that He WAS pouring out His peace and freedom to me at the hospital and in the months before, but I had cocooned myself against Him. A cocoon of anger and bitterness that kept me from experiencing His love and peace. Anger and bitterness are so deadly and oppressive.
The next few paragraphs are accounts of some supernatural events that happened since our miscarriage. The events continue to show Gods love and goodness. And then hopefully I can wrap up my thoughts about Gods goodness, sovereignty and redemption with a conclusion at the end. You will either love or hate my God posts. I understand the supernaturalness and the “spiritual bluntness” of these two posts is a bit startling, but, its what happened and its how God has loved on me.
After the miscarriage, I still decided to see my counselor after just 2 days. I didnt want to “run” emotionally so, I went. I was not complelty shocked when my counselor told me to read John 11. I thought to myself, “hmmm, isn’t that the story where Jesus wept? Did I not hear Jesus tell me He was weeping with me at the hospital?”
I waited a week to read it. One morning I woke up and thought, “Today needs to be the day I read that story.” So I packed up my bible, books and notepads and headed to Starbucks. I read that story about Lazarus and journaled, heavily. I had felt so many feelings and emotions as I read it. There, I felt the Lord tell me again, “I felt what you felt at that hospital, and I weep with you.” Was Jesus weeping with me because He was as shocked as I was about the death of my children? No, He wept at the reality of a fallen situation, in a fallen world. I beleive he wept watching me not understanding what was happening, even though He knew it will one day be redeemed. He also wept with me because, lets not forget, He too is fully human alongside being fully God. I think He could feel the “humanness” of it all.
A few hours after I left Starbucks, I got a call from my dad.
“I felt like God wanted me to call you and read you my scripture and devotional for the day.”
My dad didn’t tell me what the Scripture for that day was, he just started reading. It was John 11, the story of Lazarus. I nearly fell off my seat. The devotional part was almost exactly what I had processed just a few hours prior at Starbucks. This is the goodness of Jesus.
Have you heard of Kari Jobe? She is a beautiful singer and song writer. A few days after I miscarried, my mom, sister and myself decided to have a “girls day.” Getting out of the house after a tragedy, no matter how much you dont want to leave, is very healing. At this point I was still crying probably every moment I took the moment to think. Tears, were very uncontrollable and happened spontaneously throughout the day. The pain of the tradgety was still all to real and I longed to feel loved by God. Who wouldnt?
I got in the car and turned on my radio. The song My Beloved, by Kari Jobe started playing. Was it on the radio? Or did I have that CD in my car prior to my miscarriage? I wasn’t quite sure at that moment. All I knew was that the God who created and loves me, was romancing me.
I sing over you My song of peace
Cast all your care down at My feet
Come and find your rest in Me
I’ll breathe My life inside of you
I’ll bear you up on eagle’s wings
And hide you in the shadow of My strength
I’ll take you to My quiet waters
I’ll restore your soul
Come rest in Me and be made whole – Kari Jobe.
It ministered to my soul. Deeply.
The Gold Rings
A few days after I miscarried, I remember praying and telling God that I would like to have a little reminder of my girls that I could wear on me. Brett had taken a Polaroid of me and the girls that I had been keeping on me. I didnt want the Polaroid to get ruined so I started leaving it with our “memory box” at home.
As I prayed, two gold rings flashed across my mind. The rings were on a chain with a diamond pendent in the middle.
“Perhaps in time I’ll purchase some gold rings to wear on a necklace someday. I already have a diamond and chain so, maybe next time I go to the mall I’ll take a look for some golden rings. Maybe around Christmas?”
Friday the 20th, a packaged arrived to our house early in the morning. The package was from a friend who had a similar situation to mine. Inside the package was a note and two boxes. She wrote me a beautiful note about her journey through her tragedy. In her note she mentioned how she bought two gold rings to wear on a necklace in remembrance of her twins. As I sat down the note after reading it, I took the two small boxes in my hand and opened them. There in the boxs were two gold rings, the exact same rings that flashed across my mind just a week before. And as I placed them on the chain I heard God whisper, “I love you.”
I had also secretly desired a “Mother Ring.” I kept this desire secret in my heart, as I did about the golden rings.
“Maybe one day I’ll buy myself a “mother ring’ that I can wear on my hand with two stones on them, one for each girl.”
A few days ago, I went over my parents house. Right before we were about to leave to start our day, my mom brought over a bag with a small box in it. My mother, dad and sister, along with the help of Kelly, my sisters sister-in-law, put their time and resources together and got me a “mothers ring.” See picture below. Its beautiful. It has the August birthstones in it, the month my girls were born.
Though I dont put worth in material items, I will cherish both the gold rings and my mothers ring, forever. And though I know I will never be able to take these items with me to Heaven, I still feel like they were from God. I feel Him saying, “What matters to you matters to Me. I see your heart. Here is a tangible way I can show you that I AM here, I AM listening, and I love you.”
Another reason I love this ring so much is because the stones are positioned the exact same way Ellie and Grace were positioned in my womb.
Saturday At The Grave.
The day after the funeral was Saturday. This was the first day Brett and I were apart since the miscarriage. I had planned my day to be busy because I knew being alone probably wasn’t the best idea. I did, however, plan some alone time at Grace and Ellies grave. Now, I am not one to believe that a grave site really means anything. I don’t believe Grace and Ellie are there. They are in Heaven. But, its still nice to have a place to go and “connect.”
As I sat by their grave, oh man, I WEPT, loudly. After taking some moments to cry, feel, and grieve, I opened my bible and sat it on my lap. I chatted with God about how I wasn’t sure what to read but I knew I needed to read SOMETHING from His word. I sat there for 45 minutes just staring blankly at the bible.
Then, the pages of my bible started flipping. Sure, yes, it was the wind, but it was also God. The pages just kept flipping and flipping, fast and for a long time. So I sat and just watched with my heart anticipating what my eyes could possibly land on when the pages were done flipping.
I mean, really? Could there have been a more perfect verse for me at that moment? As I read I felt the Jesus say, “This is what I AM doing to and for you and Brett.
After reading this scripture I put some worship music on my phone and selected “shuffle.” Eventually the song “Came to My Rescue” started to play.
Jesus said, “This song is for you. I will be playing it for you at church tomorrow. I will be lifted high in your (and bretts) life because of this event (the miscarriage).”
Sure enough, the second to last song played at church the next day was this song. I had been on my knees weeping all through worship, but it was THIS song that I felt the mobs of hands from our congregation come and lay-hands on Brett and I. It was beautiful and meaningful. My tears that day were not tears of anger, but of thankfulness, joy and shock (watching it all play out).
God is REAL.
I am sure you are wondering what I think about my dad knowing I was going to have twins, having a prophecy about them being boys, how they would reach peoples lives, and then it ending the way it did.
THIS was my “why” to God. I never really questioned why I miscarried, at least not after it actually happened. My question to God was more, “Why even tell us at all about the twins if You knew it was going to end in tragedy? Teased my heart a bit dont You think?”
Gods answer was simply this, “So that you would know, see, and believe I was involved.”
Im guessing, had God not been so specific about the pregnancy, the twins, how they would impact people, I would be sitting here wondering if God was even involved in this at all. My dads prophecy showed me the Lords Sovereignty. And what has played out since the miscarriage has shown me His goodness. The truth is, two out of the three things my dad said, happened. I did have twins, and they are greatly impacting people.
Let me share how Jesus is using Grace and Ellie and out situation to impact people and touch their lives. When I post a blog, I normally receive about 50-70 views for each post. My very first post, the Picture Inside My Heart Post, has received over 2400 views. I have had over 100 messages from strangers either sharing their story about their miscarriage, people sharing how inspiring our story has been and has brought healing, and people sharing they would like to rethink “faith.” And I recently found out that our story was used in a sermon at a church recently. From what I understand, a pastor got a hold of our story and felt God asked him to write a sermon about it? If you are reading this Pastor, thank you. The more people who are reached, the more I feel this has been worth it.
So yes, dad, the girls ARE impacting people for Jesus. God is reaching out. Glory be to God alone.
So what about the boys? I had been sensing “miscarriage” right before we found out the gender of the twins. I remember thinking “If they are boys, I can sigh in relief. If they are girls, I have some praying to do, cuz I will know what that means.” Sure enough, girls. As happy as I was, I had a sinking in my heart, because I knew what that meant.
And so I sit here now wondering, “Will I eventually get pregnant will twin boys? Was my dads prophecy two-fold?” My dad thinks for sure that I am going to. “I know what God told me” he says. Myself? Let me put it this way- I will not be surprised if I do, I wont be bummed or hurt if I don’t. Simply put, I trust God.
I have a friend who knew I was going to miscarry before I actually did. This friend received a vision prior to our miscarry that she shared with me just a few days ago. When she heard I went into labor on Sunday, God gave her a vision of me in the hospital bed. Standing behind me were my two “Ministering Angels.” As I needed help, they would summon the nurses and doctors. And when it came time for me to deliver, one stood at my head and one stood at my feet and received Grace and Ellie right into their arms. Then they whisked them away to Heaven. But before that happened, she saw them place 2 healthy, full term babies back into my womb. Does that mean i’ll get pregnant with twins again? Hmmm, maybe? But, what she believes, and so do I, is that I will carry at LEAST two of my own babies when the times is right, whether it be twins or two singletons at different times – it will happen.
When God spoke “redemption” that He would be “redeeming this pregnancy”, I believe it means that I WILL be pregnant with my own children eventually. That is what felt about it throughout the 5 months, that when I miscarry it will also be redeemed THIS SIDE of heaven. In other ways too, He is already redeeming it. People are being reached and comforted through the girls, that is redeeming and it makes this ‘tragedy’ worth it. It has not happened in vain.
One thing I have learned is that tragedies do not define Gods goodness. Rather, tragedies happen and God is good and kind to us in them because THAT is who HE IS. God will always be good and kind to us in our tragedies, but, like myself, we may cocoon Him out, block ourselves from recieving His kindness and goodness. Sometimes we just simply need to let God love on us.
Do tragedies need to happen in order for Gods goodness to be revealed? No, absolutely not. I have seen Gods goodness when tragedies were absent. Again, tragedies do not define Gods goodness, nor is His goodness ever defined by evil. Good can be seen as good whether evil is present or not. Remember GOD WAS and IS before evil choose to show its ugly stupid head.
If God is so good then why not prevent the miscarriage? Again, God’s goodness is not defined by tragedies. As well, Jesus Himself suffered the worse tragedy of all- death on a cross. God made it beautiful. Also, the bible never promises that God would always shield us from all troubles or tragedies. But what He DOES promise is His presence in the midst of pain. I saw it first hand in mine.
Was taking them from me good? If Heaven is real, which I believe it is, then yes, taking them from me is incredibly kind and good. From the womb straight into Jesus arms, never to know pain, sin, suffering, but only love, joy, peace goodness. Whats not good about that? Am I hurt? sure. But no grief or sorrow can compare to the relief that I will be reunited with my girls one day, in heaven, with Jesus. Thats called hope my friends.
I can see the Lords goodness now. Could you imagine what these 5 months would have been like had God told me from day one that He was going to require these children of me? What a horrible 5 months that would have been. And could you imagine what it would have been like had He droped it on me like a bomb right before it happened? I dont think I would have been able to handle that. And could you imagine what it would have been like had He not prepared my heart at all?
Instead, He gently, softly and lovingly prepared my heart in a way only a loving Creator would. Just the way I needed it to be, gently throughout my pregnancy. How very kind and graceful of Him.
As well, thank GOD this didn’t happen one day prior, which would have been a wedding day for Brett. If this would have happened on Saturday, just 12-24 hours prior, I probably would have delivered those babies by myself (or with Julie) on the floor of my home. Knowing myself, I wouldn’t have gone to the ER, not without Brett anyway. And if I did decide to go to the ER, Brett would have had to leave his wedding. Thank God it didn’t happen the friday after, Brett would have had to cancel THAT wedding. Sunday, was the most perfect day of the week for this to happen. We had the whole week to mourn together.
And don’t forget, I was supposed to be in Ocean City NJ that week with my Aunts and cousins. Could you imagine what it would have been like for our family for me to be 9 hours away at a hospital of strangers? Brett would have had to drive up, no friends or family around (minus my aunts who im sure would have been by my side every moment). But still, ‘shivers’ as I think about these situations that God protected us from having to face. God, knowing He was going to take these girls, actually made it incredibly easy for Brett and I, and, He even poured some of His kindness out on the family members who WERE able to go on vacation- me delivering in NJ would have put a damper on the vacation, for everyone who went. THIS is what GRACE is.
Messy, Random, Conclusion Thoughts
When I look back at these last few weeks, all I can describe about what I mainly have been feeling through the sorrow and grief is “A peace that surpasses all understanding.” I say that because it is all I can come up with. I struggle to find the words to explain why I feel such a peace and joy in this situation, but I think its because it is the “peace that surpasses all understanding” just as the bible teaches. I really dont understand why im feeling so…at peace. And Brett feels the same way. Of course it comes and goes. Satan, who is very real, tries to come in and lie and steal what God is doing, so at times, the peace and joy slips away, but, I fight.
And, in no way, have I “arrived” in a place where I don’t struggle and question God about things. Ok, I’m still a human who is on a journey. I still have fears. I still have times I doubt Gods goodness. In fact a very real fear I have had to fight daily since the miscarriage is, ”Brett is going to be next. God took you through your miscarriage fears, the fear of loosing your husband is next.”
I feel suffocated now just thinking of it. Thankfully…oh thankfully, God has spoken to me about this. I have to choose to believe it now. What God said about it was, “I do not take you through fears simply because you fear them. I choose what I choose for MY Glory, and for the good of MY people. It just so happened you were afraid to miscarry too.”
So I can rest in the truth that, just because I fear Brett dying, doesn’t mean it will now happen. Fears do not control my life.
“Coincidentally” my counselor instructed me to buy and read the book “Trusting God Even When Life Hurts” just one week prior to the miscarriage. (I recommend any person who reads this blog and struggles with believing God is good and sovereign to read this book). Here is what the author has to say about tragedies, Gods glory and the good of His people. he says, ” God never pursues His glory at the expense of the good of His people, nor does He ever seek our good at the expense of His glory. He has designed His eternal purpose so that His glory and our good are inextricably bound together.”
I could quote that book all day long. Buy it. Read it.
God has been very sweet and kind to me these past few weeks. I don’t believe He is only like that with me. He is like that with you too. I also believe He was being sweet and kind to me during the months of January through August, but I think I just closed myself off to Him and thats why I couldnt see Him working in my life. Perhaps that is the same for you? Have you closed God off? Or maybe have you never opened yourslef up to Him?
Jesus, He is the only One who offers hope to mankind. What makes christianity stand out from the rest? Its GRACE. I have hope. I have hope I’ll live with Jesus one day. I have hope that there will be an end to this messy life into a life of perfect constant peace and joy. I have hope that I’ll see Grace and Ellie again one day. Some make call it a “crutch” to get through life, but, this event, this ‘tragety’ has caused me to SEE it, taste it, and believe even more that its Jesus who renews the mind, soul, and body. He redeems. He is real.
I told God, “I would like to offer some hope to my readers. Is there anything You want them to know?” He simply said this,
“You are not alone. Taste and see that I AM good. I stand at the door of your heart and knock. Will you let Me in?”
I believe this is both for those of you who consider yourselves believers in Jesus, and those who do not.
“Our suffering has meaning and purpose in Gods eternal plan, and He brings or allows to come into our lives only that which is for His glory and our good.”- Jerry Bridges “Trusting God”
“Nothing, therefore, happens unless the Omnipotent wills it to happen: Either he permits it to happen (like in Job), or He brings it about Himself.” – Augustine (taken from the book ‘Trusting God’)
“We are all faced with the reality of a broken world. It is evident around us and in our own lives…. First, mourning and weeping are appropriate, for Jesus Himself models this. Second, even in the midst of suffering, we must always remember our final victory is in Christ. In the face of real death, Jesus declares: ‘Whoever lives and believes in Me will never die’ (John 11: 26). Grieve over our fallen world today, but also find hope in Jesus.”- Taken from the devotional my dad read.
Long ago, God told me that He has His own story for me. Here it is. I believe I am not at the beginning of it, not at the end, but right smack-dab in the middle. Stay and read along.
I took this picture at the Zoo. I believe this is the day I first felt movement in my womb.
Fly free butterfly. I know I’m going to.