ColleensLife

What do you think of when you hear the word “Church?”  Do you squirm?  Do you think of money?  Business?  Religion?  Friends?  A place to be loved?  A place to find God?  Do you automatically feel condemned? Do you see it as a weekly quota with God?  Do you feel as long as you go to church you are ‘OK’ with God?

I have friends tell me, “I am pretty sure the moment I walk into a church I will either melt, catch on fire, or the church will explode.”  It saddens me that people think that because I feel, often, we as christians paint that picture. “You better clean yourself up before stepping in to a church or watch out!”

*sigh* That couldn’t be farther from the truth.  Church was meant to be a place where the ‘outcasts’ feel love and accepted. Its a shame church has gone the opposite way in some cases.

Church was never meant to be a place were you can come get your godly “quota” for the week.  It was never meant to be a place where you “Get right with God” for that week until the next week where you have to “Get right with Him” again.  It was never meant to be a place where only the “Christians” feel comfortable to go.”  It was never meant to be a place of business.  It was never meant to be a place where people feel like outcast.  It was never meant to be a “religious” place. It was never meant to be a place that would rob you of your money, which I believe, unfortunately happens sometimes.  And mostly, it was never meant to be your ticket into Heaven.  Our only ticket into Heaven is Jesus.

People do awful awful things in the name of, not only a god, but my God, Jesus.  And sadly even churches do.   I am so thankful Jesus is not simply defined by the choices of humans and the choices that some churches make.

Though its not limited to these three things, what I believe church was meant to be is a place where people come together, not even necessarily in a building, in order to love others, love each other, love God and teach truth.  Sure, there is worship, biblical teaching and the like.  But what a “church” is really meant for are those things:  Love God, Love others and teach truth. period. If you find a church who is not doing these things.  RUN.

These things have been more real to me now then ever.  I just need to brag on my church for a bit.  And, did I ask?  You should join me one Sunday sometime.

When I could not feel Gods love during those two days, there my church was – Being the hands and feet of Christ for Brett and I.   I would say 90% of the people who came to the hospital were church people.   With in just 2 hours of the word getting out that Brett and I headed to the hospital, not only did the congregation pray for us, 3 friends got up from their seat, left church, and came to pray with us.  They didn’t even ask the hospitals permission to come in our room LOL.  They just burst in and started praying.  THere were some people who showed up during those 2 days who I didnt even know were there, they were in the lobby praying for us.

That. Is. Love.

Our church has loved us and served us in more ways then I can even remember or count.  They helped us when we were most in need.  Thank you.  And I know they haven’t just been like this with us, they serve strangers too.  Its beautiful, truly living out the calling of Christ.

³⁴ “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. ³⁵ For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, ³⁶ I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ ³⁷ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸ When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹ When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’  ⁴⁰ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’    —   Matthew 25: 34-40

See the heart of Christ?  THATS how He wants us to treat each other.  Churches of the world, lets be this!

Here is the website to our church.  We have two locations:  One in fairview and one in Olmsted Falls.  Brett and I attend the Olmsted Falls one.   Hope to see you there!

Journey Cleveland

I remember leaving the hospital grieving deeply and weeping, weeping, weeping.  But, I noticed I was not bitter or angry, not at myself, not at Brett, not at…..God?   And the peace, the peace I felt driving home and in the coming weeks was the peace I deeply prayed for those two days.  There it was…

I vaguely remember our drive home.  What I DO remember about it was the deep peace amidst the deep sorrow.  I was crying, the hardest deepest cry I have ever cried, but all my heart was feeling was, thankfulness.  It was the thankfulness I longed to have and express since January.  Though I don’t believe faith should ever be based solely on feelings…I definitely was feeling, something.

That  Monday night, Brett, myself and our friend Greg sat in our living room and were just….normal.  I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to feel, so being “normal” felt right.  I downed some Lasagna (made by the beautiful Danielle), we all watched some sort of tv show or movie (was I even really watching?) and then went to bed.  I wept intensely that night.  But again, peace and thankfulness is what I felt in my deep sorrow.  How can that be?

The next day, and in the days to come (and even now) I processed.  What were these feelings I was feeling?  Grieving and sorrow, yes, but  Joy?  Peace?  Thanfulness?  How odd.  What else was odd about it?  Brett, was feeling the exact same way.  Grieving, sadness, sorrow, sure.  And peace, and joy, and thankfulness.  Why would a heart express such thanks in a situation like this?

The next morning was met shock, “Oh, this did happen.”  It was met with deep sadness, and weeping, and feelings of being robbed from, and missing those sweet girls.  How I longed to hold them in my arms, or rather, still have them in my womb, growing.  I woke up early despite the sleepless night two nights prior.   My weeping woke Brett up, and then he started to weep.  We just held each other, wept, and prayed.  But again, the peace and a heart of thanks…. we both couldn’t deny it.

After soaking in the reality of the past two days, we got out of bed and decided that we were going to go to Starbucks, spend time with Jesus there, and drink loads and loads of caffeine.  I had received a slew of texts with bible verses throughout the two days.  I looked all of them up and read them thoroughly.  It was like I was reading the scriptures anew.   Refreshment filled my soul.  But still, I wept.  And so did Brett.

I remember sitting at starbucks and processing.  Images and pictures of the prior months started flashing through my mind.  God was digging up the “hidden” workings that I hadnt caught, or even, that I misunderstood since January (Hence God Post part 1).  Instantly, it all started “clicking.”  Through the sorrow, it “clicked.”

I remember asking God, “Why do I feel so free now that this tragedy happened?  Why do I sense Your peace now rather then at the hospital?”  It didnt make sense to me, logically (Talk about “peace that surpasses all understanding“).  I got a “vision” (for lack of better words) of myself in a cocoon and then the vision flash to the hospital when I was delivering, and then a flash to myself breaking free of the cocoon during labor.”  What He revealed to me was that He WAS pouring out His peace and freedom to me at the hospital and in the months before, but I had cocooned myself against Him.   A cocoon of anger and bitterness that kept me from experiencing His love and peace.   Anger and bitterness are so deadly and oppressive.

The next few paragraphs are accounts of some supernatural events that happened since our miscarriage.  The events continue to show Gods love and goodness.   And then hopefully I can wrap up my thoughts about Gods goodness, sovereignty and redemption with a conclusion at the end.  You will either love or hate my God posts.  I understand the supernaturalness and the “spiritual bluntness” of these two posts is a bit startling, but, its what happened and its how God has loved on me.

John 11

After the miscarriage, I still decided to see my counselor after just 2 days.   I didnt want to “run” emotionally so, I went.  I was not complelty shocked when my counselor told me to read John 11.   I thought to myself, “hmmm, isn’t that the story where Jesus wept?  Did I not hear Jesus tell me He was weeping with me at the hospital?”

I waited a week to read it.  One morning I woke up and thought, “Today needs to be the day I read that story.”  So I packed up my bible, books and notepads and headed to Starbucks.  I read that story about Lazarus and journaled, heavily.  I had felt so many feelings and emotions as I read it.  There, I felt the Lord tell me again, “I felt what you felt at that hospital, and I weep with you.”  Was Jesus weeping with me because He was as shocked as I was about the death of my children? No, He wept at the reality of a fallen situation, in a fallen world.  I beleive he wept watching me not understanding what was happening, even though He knew it will one day be redeemed.  He also wept with me because, lets not forget, He too is fully human alongside being fully God.  I think He could feel the “humanness” of it all.

A few hours after I left Starbucks, I got a call from my dad.

“I felt like God wanted me to call you and read you my scripture and devotional for the day.”

My dad didn’t tell me what the Scripture for that day was, he just started reading.  It was John 11, the story of Lazarus.  I nearly fell off my seat.  The devotional part was almost exactly what I had processed just a few hours prior at Starbucks.  This is the goodness of Jesus.

My Beloved

Have you heard of Kari Jobe?  She is a beautiful singer and song writer.  A few days after I miscarried, my mom, sister and myself decided to have a “girls day.”  Getting out of the house after a tragedy, no matter how much you dont want to leave, is very healing.  At this point I was still crying probably every moment I took the moment to think.  Tears, were very uncontrollable and happened spontaneously throughout the day.  The pain of the tradgety was still all to real and I longed to feel loved by God.  Who wouldnt?

I got in the car and turned on my radio. The song My Beloved, by Kari Jobe started playing.  Was it on the radio? Or did I have that CD in my car prior to my miscarriage?  I wasn’t quite sure at that moment.  All I knew was that the God who created and loves me, was romancing me.

I sing over you My song of peace

Cast all your care down at My feet

Come and find your rest in Me

I’ll breathe My life inside of you

I’ll bear you up on eagle’s wings

And hide you in the shadow of My strength

I’ll take you to My quiet waters

I’ll restore your soul

Come rest in Me and be made whole – Kari Jobe.

It ministered to my soul. Deeply.

The Gold Rings

A few days after I miscarried, I remember praying and telling God that I would like to have a little reminder of my girls that I could wear on me.  Brett had taken a Polaroid of me and the girls that I had been keeping on me.  I didnt want the Polaroid to get ruined so I started leaving it with our “memory box” at home.

As I prayed, two gold rings flashed across my mind.  The rings were on a chain with a diamond pendent in the middle.

“Perhaps in time I’ll purchase some gold rings to wear on a necklace someday.  I already have a diamond and chain so, maybe next time I go to the mall I’ll take a look for some golden rings.  Maybe around Christmas?”

Friday the 20th, a packaged arrived to our house early in the morning.  The package was from a friend who had a similar situation to mine.  Inside the package was a note and two boxes.  She wrote me a beautiful note about her journey through her tragedy.  In her note she mentioned how she bought two gold rings to wear on a necklace in remembrance of her twins.  As I sat down the note after reading it, I took the two small boxes in my hand and opened them.  There in the boxs were two gold rings, the exact same rings that flashed across my mind just a week before.  And as I placed them on the chain I heard God whisper, “I love you.”

Another Ring

I had also secretly desired a “Mother Ring.”  I kept this desire secret in my heart, as I did about the golden rings.

“Maybe one day I’ll buy myself a “mother ring’ that I can wear on my hand with two stones on them, one for each girl.”

A few days ago, I went over  my parents house.  Right before we were about to leave to start our day, my mom brought over a bag with a small box in it.  My mother, dad and sister,  along with the help of Kelly, my sisters sister-in-law, put their time and resources together and got me a “mothers ring.”  See picture below.  Its beautiful.  It has the August birthstones in it, the month my girls were born.

Though I dont put worth in material items, I will cherish both the gold rings and my mothers ring, forever.  And though I know I will never be able to take these items with me to Heaven, I still feel like they were from God.  I feel Him saying, “What matters to you matters to Me.  I see your heart.  Here is a tangible way I can show you that I AM here, I AM listening, and I love you.”

Another reason I love this ring so much is because the stones are positioned the exact same way Ellie and Grace were positioned in my womb.

Saturday At The Grave.

The day after the funeral was Saturday.  This was the first day Brett and I were apart since the miscarriage.  I had planned my day to be busy because I knew being alone probably wasn’t the best idea.  I did, however, plan some alone time at Grace and Ellies grave.  Now, I am not one to believe that a grave site really means anything.  I don’t believe Grace and Ellie are there.  They are in Heaven.  But, its still nice to have a place to go and “connect.”

As I sat by their grave, oh man, I WEPT, loudly.  After taking some moments to cry, feel, and grieve, I opened my bible and sat it on my lap.  I chatted with God about how I wasn’t sure what to read but I knew I needed to read SOMETHING from His word.  I sat there for 45 minutes just staring blankly at the bible.

Then, the pages of my bible started flipping.  Sure, yes, it was the wind, but it was also God.  The pages just kept flipping and flipping, fast and for a long time.  So I sat and just watched with my heart anticipating what my eyes could possibly land on when the pages were done flipping.

Psalm 23

I mean, really?  Could there have been a more perfect verse for me at that moment?  As I read I felt the Jesus say, “This is what I AM doing to and for you and Brett.

After reading this scripture I put some worship music on my phone and selected “shuffle.”  Eventually the song “Came to My Rescue” started to play.

Jesus said, “This song is for you. I will be playing it for you at church tomorrow.  I will be lifted high in your  (and bretts) life because of this event (the miscarriage).”

Sure enough, the second to last song played at church the next day was this song.  I had been on my knees weeping all through worship, but it was THIS song that I felt the mobs of hands from our congregation come and lay-hands on Brett and I.  It was beautiful and meaningful.  My tears that day were not tears of anger, but of thankfulness, joy and shock (watching it all play out).

God is REAL.

Dads Prophecy

I am sure you are wondering what I think about my dad knowing I was going to have twins, having a prophecy about them being boys, how they would reach peoples lives, and then it ending the way it did.

THIS was my “why” to God.  I never really questioned why I miscarried, at least not after it actually happened.  My question to God was more, “Why even tell us at all about the twins if You knew it was going to end in tragedy?  Teased my heart a bit dont You think?”

Gods answer was simply this, “So that you would know, see, and believe I was involved.”

Im guessing, had God not been so specific about the pregnancy, the twins, how they would impact people, I would be sitting here wondering if God was even involved in this at all.  My dads prophecy showed me the Lords Sovereignty. And what has played out since the miscarriage has shown me His goodness.  The truth is, two out of the three things my dad said, happened.  I did have twins, and they are greatly impacting people.

Let me share how Jesus is using Grace and Ellie and out situation to impact people and touch their lives.  When I post a blog, I normally receive about 50-70 views for each post.  My very first post, the Picture Inside My Heart Post, has received over 2400 views.  I have had over 100 messages from strangers either sharing their story about their miscarriage, people sharing how inspiring our story has been and has brought healing, and people sharing they would like to rethink “faith.”  And I recently found out that our story was used in a sermon at a church recently.  From what I understand, a pastor got a hold of our story and felt God asked him to write a sermon about it?  If you are reading this Pastor, thank you.  The more people who are reached, the more I feel this has been worth it.

So yes, dad, the girls ARE impacting people for Jesus.  God is reaching out.  Glory be to God alone.

So what about the boys?  I had been sensing “miscarriage” right before we found out the gender of the twins.  I remember thinking “If they are boys, I can sigh in relief.  If they are girls, I have some praying to do, cuz I will know what that means.”  Sure enough, girls.  As happy as I was, I had a sinking in my heart, because I knew what that meant.

And so I sit here now wondering, “Will I eventually get pregnant will twin boys?  Was my dads prophecy two-fold?”  My dad thinks for sure that I am going to. “I know what God told me” he says.  Myself?  Let me put it this way-  I will not be surprised if I do, I wont be bummed or hurt if I don’t.  Simply put, I trust God.

I have a friend who knew I was going to miscarry before I actually did.  This friend received a vision prior to our miscarry that she shared with me just a few days ago.  When she heard I went into labor on Sunday, God gave her a vision of me in the hospital bed.  Standing behind me were my  two “Ministering Angels.”  As I needed help, they would summon the nurses and doctors.  And when it came time for me to deliver, one stood at my head and one stood at my feet and received Grace and Ellie right into their arms.  Then they whisked them away to Heaven.  But before that happened, she saw them place 2 healthy, full term babies back into my womb.  Does that mean i’ll get pregnant with twins again?  Hmmm, maybe?  But, what she believes, and so do I, is that I will carry at LEAST two of my own babies when the times is right, whether it be twins or two singletons at different times – it will happen.

Redemption

When God spoke “redemption” that He would be “redeeming this pregnancy”,  I believe it means that I WILL be pregnant with my own children eventually.  That is what felt about it throughout the 5 months, that when I miscarry it will also be redeemed THIS SIDE of heaven.  In other ways too, He is already redeeming it.  People are being reached and comforted through the girls, that is redeeming and it makes this ‘tragedy’ worth it.  It has not happened in vain.

His Goodness

One thing I have learned is that tragedies do not define Gods goodness.  Rather, tragedies happen and God is good and kind to us in them because THAT is who HE IS.  God will always be good and kind to us in our tragedies, but, like myself, we may cocoon Him out, block ourselves from recieving His kindness and goodness.   Sometimes we just simply need to let God love on us.

Do tragedies need to happen in order for Gods goodness to be revealed?  No, absolutely not.  I have seen Gods goodness when tragedies were absent.  Again, tragedies do not define Gods goodness, nor is His goodness ever defined by evil.  Good can be seen as good whether evil is present or not.  Remember GOD WAS and IS before evil choose to show its ugly stupid head.

If God is so good then why not prevent the miscarriage?  Again, God’s goodness is not defined by tragedies.  As well, Jesus Himself suffered the worse tragedy of all-  death on a cross.  God made it beautiful.  Also, the bible never promises that God would always shield us from all troubles or tragedies.  But what He DOES promise is His presence in the midst of pain.  I saw it first hand in mine.

Was taking them from me good?  If Heaven is real, which I believe it is, then yes, taking them from me is incredibly kind and good.  From the womb straight into Jesus arms, never to know pain, sin, suffering, but only love, joy, peace goodness.  Whats not good about that? Am I hurt? sure.  But no grief or sorrow can compare to the relief that I will be reunited with my girls one day, in heaven, with Jesus.  Thats called hope my friends.

I can see the Lords goodness now.  Could you imagine what these 5 months would have been like had God told me from day one that He was going to require these children of me?  What a horrible 5 months that would have been.  And could you imagine what it would have been like had He droped it on me like a bomb right before it happened?  I dont think I would have been able to handle that.  And could you imagine what it would have been like had He not prepared my heart at all?

Instead, He gently, softly and lovingly prepared my heart in a way only a loving Creator would.  Just the way I needed it to be, gently throughout my pregnancy.  How very kind and graceful of Him.

As well, thank GOD this didn’t happen one day prior, which would have been a wedding day for Brett.  If this would have happened on Saturday, just 12-24 hours prior, I probably would have delivered those babies by myself (or with Julie) on the floor of my home.  Knowing myself, I wouldn’t have gone to the ER, not without Brett anyway.  And if I did decide to go to the ER, Brett would have had to leave his wedding.  Thank God it didn’t happen the friday after, Brett would have had to cancel THAT wedding.  Sunday, was the most perfect day of the week for this to happen.  We had the whole week to mourn together.

And don’t forget, I was supposed to be in Ocean City NJ that week with my Aunts and cousins.  Could you imagine what it would have been like for our family for me to be 9 hours away at a hospital of strangers?  Brett would have had to drive up, no friends or family around (minus my aunts who im sure would have been by my side every moment).  But still, ‘shivers’ as I think about these situations that God protected us from having to face.   God, knowing He was going to take these girls, actually made it incredibly easy for Brett and I, and, He even poured some of His kindness out on the family members who WERE able to go on vacation- me delivering in NJ would have put a damper on the vacation, for everyone who went.  THIS is what GRACE is.

Messy, Random, Conclusion Thoughts

When I look back at these last few weeks, all I can describe about what I mainly have been feeling through the sorrow and grief is “A peace that surpasses all understanding.”  I say that because it is all I can come up with.  I struggle to find the words to explain why I feel such a peace and joy in this situation, but I think its because it is the “peace that surpasses all understanding”  just as the bible teaches.  I really dont understand why im feeling so…at peace.  And Brett feels the same way.  Of course it comes and goes.  Satan, who is very real, tries to come in and lie and steal what God is doing, so at times, the peace and joy slips away, but, I fight.

And, in no way, have I “arrived” in a place where I don’t struggle and question God about things.  Ok, I’m still a human who is on a journey.  I still have fears.  I still have times I doubt Gods goodness.  In fact a very real fear I have had to fight daily since the miscarriage is,  ”Brett is going to be next.  God took you through your miscarriage fears, the fear of loosing your husband is next.”

I feel suffocated now just thinking of it.  Thankfully…oh thankfully, God has spoken to me about this.  I have to choose to believe it now.  What God said about it was, “I do not take you through fears simply because you fear them.  I choose what I choose for MY Glory, and for the good of MY people.  It just so happened you were afraid to miscarry too.”

So I can rest in the truth that, just because I fear Brett dying, doesn’t mean it will now happen. Fears do not control my life.

“Coincidentally” my counselor instructed me to buy and read the book “Trusting God Even When Life Hurts” just one week prior to the miscarriage.  (I recommend any person who reads this blog and struggles with believing God is good and sovereign to read this book).  Here is what the author has to say about tragedies, Gods glory and the good of His people.  he says, ” God never pursues His glory at the expense of the good of His people, nor does He ever seek our good at the expense of His glory.  He has designed His eternal purpose so that His glory and our good are inextricably bound together.”

I could quote that book all day long.  Buy it.  Read it.

God has been very sweet and kind to me these past few weeks.  I don’t believe He is only like that with me.  He is like that with you too.  I also believe He was being sweet and kind to me during the months of January through August, but I think I just closed myself off to Him and thats why I couldnt see Him working in my life.   Perhaps that is the same for you?  Have you closed God off?  Or maybe have you never opened yourslef up to Him?

Why Jesus?

Jesus, He is the only One who offers hope to mankind.  What makes christianity stand out from the rest?  Its GRACE.  I have hope.  I have hope I’ll live with Jesus one day.  I have hope that there will be an end to this messy life into a life of perfect constant peace and joy.  I have hope that I’ll see Grace and Ellie again one day.  Some make call it a “crutch” to get through life, but, this event, this ‘tragety’ has caused me to SEE it, taste it, and believe even more that its Jesus who renews the mind, soul, and body.  He redeems.  He is real.

I told God, “I would like to offer some hope to my readers.  Is there anything You want them to know?”  He simply said this,

“You are not alone.  Taste and see that I AM good.  I stand at the door of your heart and knock.  Will you let Me in?”

I believe this is both for those of you who consider yourselves believers in Jesus, and those who do not.

3 quotes:

“Our suffering has meaning and purpose in Gods eternal plan, and He brings or allows to come into our lives only that which is for His glory and our good.”- Jerry Bridges “Trusting God”

“Nothing, therefore, happens unless the Omnipotent wills it to happen: Either he permits it to happen (like in Job), or He brings it about Himself.” – Augustine (taken from the book ‘Trusting God’)

“We are all faced with the reality of a broken world.  It is evident around us and in our own lives…. First, mourning and weeping are appropriate, for Jesus Himself models this.  Second, even in the midst of suffering, we must always remember our final victory is in Christ.  In the face of real death, Jesus declares: ‘Whoever lives and believes in Me will never die’ (John 11: 26).  Grieve over our fallen world today, but also find hope in Jesus.”-   Taken from the devotional my dad read.

Long ago, God told me that He has His own story for me.  Here it is.  I believe I am not at the beginning of it, not at the end, but right smack-dab in the middle.  Stay and read along.

I took this picture at the Zoo.  I believe this is the day I first felt movement in my womb.

Fly free butterfly.  I know I’m going to.

I struggle deeply with this blog.  It is choppy.

As I process, I can look back and see what God was doing, how He was preparing me, and how He has changed me.  I  All I can say is that there was a “progression” that happened, and so this blog is my attempt to show that progression. God has done SO much with this, from preparing my heart prior to the event, to showing me how deeply He loves me through this.  How can I possibly get all that down on paper (or in a blog) in a way that is orderly and makes sense? Perhaps this will be broken up into a few posts, how I felt about GOd before this happened and how I felt about him after.  Still trying to decide how to put this in typing.

As I start this post, I receive yet another message from a stranger who has gone through the same thing I have.  And my heart aches for them.  Tragedies are all to familiar for every human during this short time we have on Earth.   It’s no wonder people ask, “Where is God?” Or, “Is God good? or even, “Does a God even exist?”

Introduction:

Hmmm….  Before I get started on this blog post, I think ill share a bit more about where I stand as someone who considers themselves “spiritual.”  The word “Christian” can have a thousand meanings.

Plain and simple, I love Jesus.  In High School I was presented the story and sacrifice of Jesus in a way I never heard it before, it moved me, and I accepted Jesus as the One True God, my Lord, and my Savior.  I knew at that moment I wanted to devote my life to Him, not just as a church-goer, but as a way of life.

So here I am today, a little over 10 years later faced with my first faith-challenging tragedy.   Up until this point, I had never faced anything that truly rocked my faith to the bones like this has.  I have had little heartbreaks and pains here and there, sure. But nothing that stared me in the face and said, “Look  at what happened to you!  Where is you God NOW?  How good is He NOW?”

Where this Journey REALLY began:

Back in November 2010, I remember being at work and the fear of not being able to get pregnant overtook me ( Get the update HERE ).  I prayed deeply that God show me truth.  What He impressed upon me I’ve had to cling to throughout my pregnancy and even now.  What He spoke was a simple phrase, and it was this:

“Do you believe I AM sovereign?  Do you believe I act only out of love?”

He didn’t promise I would conceive.  He didn’t promise I would carry a child full term.  He didn’t promise that I would even have my own children.   My comfort should not rest in such things anyways.  What He promised me was His sovereignty and goodness over my life.   My comfort SHOULD rest in Gods goodness. Period.

When my pregnancy started to get complicated, those questions God asked popped back in my mind.  Then they came back those 2 hellish days, and they stay with me now.

“Do you believe that I AM sovereign?  Do you believe I act only out of love?

I chewed on these questions over the months prior to pregnancy and up until my miscarriage.  For those were the two aspects of His Character I threw into questions.

Sovereign? Sure.  Good, mmm maybe?  Both? I wanted deeply the answer to be “yes” in my heart.  If He is sovereign, can He be good to?  If He is good can He be sovereign to?   Though at one time I believed both characteristics to simultaneously be true, I had started struggling deeply about it.  I know whats true, but what I was believing was a different story.  And I wrestled with these two questions for many, many months.

January.  Forming my cocoon:

I cant really say for sure what started happening to my heart in January but, I stared getting mad and bitter at God. The only way I can describe it is that I started forming a cocoon around myself that kept me from being intimate and close with God.  I couldn’t read the bible,  I couldn’t worship, I couldn’t feel God because of this cocoon I had made.  I deeply wanted to though.  Yes, God had spoken to me here and there as the dry months progressed (as you can read in my former blog posts). He sent little messages and blessings my way to show me He deeply loved me during this time.  But, it was ME who cut HIM off, not the other way around and it caused a very dry wilderness for me.  I think God definitely allows us to choose not to embrace His intimacy, even though He continuously and lavishly pours it out on us at all times.

My cocoon consisted of accusations, frustrations, bitterness and blame towards God.  I think I can trace it back to when I stared learning about Child Trafficking.  A friend of mine, Amy decided to wear one dress for 6 months in order to raise awareness about this tragedy, specifically, children stuck in Sex Trade.  As I started learning about it, I remember asking God, “How does Your sovereignty and goodness play into this?”  I just couldn’t believe that He allows these things in His goodness.  And although for me, this was a very elementary struggle, I couldn’t shake this growing bitterness towards God allowing such tragedies in life.  If He is sovereign, then He must not be good to allow such things.  On the flip side,  If God is good, then things such as Child Trafficking must slip by Him some how.

I would often ask God, “Define for me Your idea of ‘Goodness” because I feel my definition and Your definition are very different.”

Gods goodness…. hmmmm….very different then my idea of goodness.

As well, I was also struggling through my own fears: The thought of not being able to conceive, the thought of miscarrying and/or miscarrying when I was far enough along to have to deliver.  Have me miscarry early, fine, I’ll be ‘ok’ eventually.  Have me miscarry later in pregnancy, late enough where I have to deliver a baby I could never keep, and I will be bitter for the rest of my life –  At YOU God.  Is that sovereign of Him OR good of Him to allow such things?

And so I built my cocoon.  From January until August 8th I built my cocoon of anger and resentment towards God for events that haven’t even happened yet.  And God let me build it.  Slowly, my intimacy with HIm fell apart.

February. March. April. And Prophecy.

Brett and I started trying to conceive in February.  No baby.  We tried again in March.  No baby.  It had only been two months but I was deeply discouraged and fearful that we wouldn’t be able to conceive.  And then my dad told me about how when he was praying for us, God told him that we would be having twins, Twin boys actually, who were going to impact everyone who came in contact with them.

“Dont worry Colleen.  You will get pregnant, and when you do, you will have twins.”

April came along and I missed my period.  I took a pregnancy test at 4am and within just moments it was a positive.  As much as I wanted to be thankful to GOd, I just couldn’t say the words “Thank You.”  I deeply wanted to express my thanks to God, but that cocoon grew thicker and tighter and it simply kept me from really being thankful to God.

Ok I can conceived but, now my new reality was the fear of miscarrying.  My fear kept me bitter and unthankful.

About 5ish weeks into the pregnancy I was having some pain, so the OB brought me in and did an ultrasound.  To my surprise, there they were, there was in fact, 2 babies being formed in my womb.  ”Looks like you are having twins!”  (For the record, twins do not run in my family.  Our twin girls were identical, a medical “fluke” and not genetic).

I walked out of the hospital with the ultrasound pictures in my hand just shaking my head with all kinds of smiles on my face.

“Twins, God.  Wow.  Looks like you really DID speak to my dad.”  And even though the words “Thank You” came out of my mouth, my heart was very hard and far away from truly being thankful to God.  I deeply wanted to be, truly.  But my fears of the possible loss of the pregnancy kept that cocoon growing thicker and thicker.

Redemption:

From the beginning of my pregnancy the word “redemption” kept being impressed upon my heart.  Sleeping, eating, cleaning, working, I would sense the word “redemption” throughout my days, weeks and months during my pregnancy.  I could not get away from this word.  It followed me where ever I went and eventually began to haunt me.

“Redemption”

“How sweet of you Jesus.  Yes. Redemption.  This pregnancy is going to be redeeming in so many ways.”

“Redemption.”

“Ah, (sweet sighs), yes Lord, redemption.”

“Redemption.”

“‘Ahem’, Yes Lord, thank you.  Redemption.”

“Redemption.”

“Yes, I hear you. Redemption. I get it……….What do you mean redemption?”

“I will redeem.”

“Redeem what?

“I will redeem.”

“This pregnancy?  Because its been a hard pregnancy?  Hard pregnancy equals enjoyable birth and childhood, that kind of redemption?

“I will redeem this.”

“What do You mean by ‘this?’  You will redeem “this” part of my pregnancy? Morning sickness? Redeem ‘this’ what?

“I will redeem this.”

“What do you mean by that and why do you keep saying this?”

“I will redeem this pregnancy”

“Redeem it how? Why?  What?  Nothing is going wrong with my pregnancy. Why do You need to redeem it?”

“I will be redeeming this pregnancy because I will be taking these children I gave to you, back.”

“No. You. WIll. NOT.”

This was a progressive conversation I had with Jesus starting from the moment my pregnancy started until the very end.  Many times, in the early weeks, I would just simply hear the word “redemption.”  As the weeks went on, just like I typed above, the word ”redemption” turned into the phrases that followed.  Until, about 3 weeks prior to the miscarriage, right before the end, I finally heard Him say that He was going to require His children of me.  And He repeated that last line to me throughout those last 3 weeks of pregnancy.  I kept it quiet to myself in hopes I was gravely mistaken.  I hoped against all hope that it was just my pestimism creeping in.  But as the weeks went on, deep down, I knew it was only a matter of time, and God was preparing my heart (though i didnt see it that way).  And so my cocoon grew.

Sunday morning, the morning I woke up with contractions, I was in the bathroom holding the sink as yet another contraction hit.  I glanced at myself in the mirror.  I had tears running down my face.  It reminded of the day I glanced at myself in the mirror the moment I found out I was pregnant.  THAT morning I mouthed to myself, “Youre pregnant!”  At THIS moment I was crying and mouthing, “You (G0d) are taking my babies, arent You.”  And, He said, “Yes, I will be taking them back.”  Still I hoped I was wrong.

Little did I know, that sunday morning, the moment Brett opened his eyes from sleep, he heard the Lord say, “Take Colleen to the hospital.”

Very Sovereign, ok i can see that.  But Good?  Are You Good?

Little Hints. My Heart Preparation:

1) I can look back and see little hints that prepared me for this day. Of course, sensing “miscarriage” in my heart brought on a lot of unexpected anxiety.  So naturally, I stared seeing a counselor.  The type of counseling im receiving is called “biblical counseling.”  The idea is to combat things such as anxiety, anger, depression, etc. by using scripture.  Two weeks prior to my miscarriage, 2 corinthians 10:13 was the scripture I needed to memorize.

“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”

And then, one week prior, proverbs 3: 5-6.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

God knew I would need these two scriptures during Sunday and Monday.  I repeated them many times to myself those days.

How very sovereign and good of Him to prepare me in this way.

2) One month prior to the miscarriage, I decided to read the book “Heaven Is For Real”  I recommend this book to all of my readers who have shared with me that they have had a similar experience.  Whether you carried only 5 weeks, or delivered a healthy baby who passed early, read this book.  Had I not read this book, I never would have named my girls.  This book has also brought tremendous comfort in my times of grieving.

“Heaven Is For Real” is a true story about a boy, Colton (just past the age of 3 at the time), who passed away for a few moments after fighting apendicidice for a few days.  In those moments, he experienced Heaven.  A few months after the event, Colton’s parents realized he had started talking about Jesus and Heaven a little more then usual AND in a different way. He would talk about Heaven and Jesus in ways that they knew they never taught him.  His encounter and their experience is what inspired their book.

In one particular part of the book, Colton mentions to his mother that he has two sisters, not one.  Shocked by this comment the mother asked him more in-depthly about it, knowing he really only had one sister.  Colton went on to tell his mother that he in fact has two sisters.  The second sister is in heaven, she was the baby the mother never got to meet.  Turns out, Colton’s mother had miscarried a baby at 7 weeks.  This was prior to conceiving Colton.  Of course Colton’s mother wanted to hear all about this unknown sister, so she asked Colton, “What is her name?”  Colton responded, “She doesn’t have a name, because you never named her.” (paraphrased).

I read that book eager to learn about what this child saw in heaven.  What I took away from the book was far more then I expected.  As I finished reading the book, I came away knowing that I did not read that book to be refreshed about heaven, I read it because I was going to miscarry.  And of course, seeing and knowing this, made that cocoon grow.

That Sunday night, that horrible lonely night, as i gave up the girls to God, I told Him, “I’m not going to name them because I like these names.  I would like to give these names to living children.”  Though I couldn’t feel God, I knew He responded.  He brought that book to my mind at that moment and said, “I want you to name the girls, the names you picked. I will give you new names that you will LOVE.”  So there in the hurt, contractions and darkness, I named them, little Grace Noel and little Ellie Rose, trusting that one day, He would give me new names I will love for my future children.

How very sovereign and good of Him to prepare me in this way.

3)  Friday,  3 days before I miscarried, I went to get a check up just to make sure everything was ok.  And everything WAS ‘ok’ according to what the OB saw and tested.  I got in the car and started to drive home.  Even though the doctor gave me the ‘thumbs up’, my spirit was disturbed within me.  So, I turned on the radio and the song Blessings was on.  As I listened to the words of the song, I knew even more that eventually I would miscarry. Of course I hoped to God I was wrong, but I sensed God telling me that, “It’s going to seem like a tragedy but, it is going to be a blessing and a mercy in disguise. I will redeem it.”  I just sat and cried.  My cocoon grew thick and hard.

How very sovereign and good of Him to prepare me in this way.

4)  Saturday night, one night before this all happened, my friend Julie came to visit for the day.  That evening we decided to watch a movie.  ”Soul Surfer” was the movie we chose.  Soul Surfer is actually based on a true story.  The movie is about a Christian teenage girl, a talented surfer who survives a terrible shark attack and survives.  She looses her arm and has a very small chance of ever being a talented surfer again.  Long story short, she does surf again, and God did amazing beautiful things through her, and He reached many people for Himself through her tragedy.  Many people were inspired by her story and their faith was renewed.

As I watched the movie, I knew, that I was going to share in her experience.  As I wateched the movie, I felt God speaking the story to me.  ”You are going to experience ‘tragedy’ but I AM going to do great things with it.  Like this.  You will only be able to see a small piece of the picture, but in time, the whole picture will be revealed to you.”

Of course at the time, I was fighting tears and fighting being SUPER PISSED at this impression on my heart.  Plus, I mean Julie was sitting right there and I, again, hoped to GOd it was just my pessimism.  I didnt want to make something out of what I hoped was nothing.  But I couldnt shake what I feared to be true.  I didn’t care what God promised about it, I didnt want to miscarry.  My cocoon grew impenetrable as I begged God not to have me miscarry.

How very sovereign and good of Him to prepare me in this way.

5)  That song, Blessed Be Your Name, Ever since I was pregnant, I had to turn this song off when I heard it.  Again, it was because I knew.  There is a line in the song that goes, “You give and take away.”  Every time I heard those lines it would pierce my heart like a thousand knives.  I would hear the Lord say, “I gave you those twins, and I AM going to be taking them.  But I will redeem.”  Even though throughout my pregnancy He said He was going to redeem, (And I believe He will), it still hurt.  I remind myself, I am not entitled to ANYTHING, even growing babies that were growing in my womb.  Those girls were the Lords before I had them, and after.

How very sovereign and good of Him to prepare me in this way.

Where Was God?

I guess this takes me to Sunday and Monday, with God.  On Sunday morning, after I heard the Doctor tell me that there is not much more they could do but that they would try, this is when my heart finally started to cry out to God.

“God, now, more then ever I NEED to feel you, to sense, you.  I NEED that peace that surpassess all undestanding.”

It never came.

All throughout Sunday and Monday, even though I could understand the Lord was speaking certain things to me, and I could reason in my head that He was near, I could not find rest for my soul.  There was even a moment, the moment Dr Moodley said, “There is nothing we can do, you will have to deliver” that the scripture verse “Jesus wept” flashed across my mind.  I knew God was weeping with me during this time.  But still, I was not comforted.  Perhaps at the time I refused to be.

I couldn’t feel Him.  Where was His peace?  Where was His tender touch?  I just didnt understand where He was.  Was He mad at me? Punishing me?  These thoughts certainly passed through my mind during these days.  I did, after all, never really thank Him for my pregnancy.  I was, after all, pretty angry with HIm since January.  Why would He grace me with His presence?

I would get snip-its of Him, little hints of His kindness from time to time during those 2 days.  But for the most part, I questioned where He was. Why He wasnt stoping my contractions?  And where the HECK was this PEACE I read about in the bible?  And how was this process “Good”?

So for 2 days I searched and searched for Him, wondering and pleading…..wondering and pleading, up until the moment I delivered.  And there, I believe, God begun pealing off my cocoon.  I believe it started happening during my actual delivery. How poetic.  I broke free (unexpectedly).  Broke free into His love, peace and grace.

After all “if his Grace is an ocean, we ARE all sinking.” - John Mark McMillan (At the end of the song, I feel your pain, John)

 

I am gonna end there for now, 0therwise this blog post will be long…er…longer.  But please stay tuned because, Its the second part I really want you to read.  The part were God broke in.