ColleensLife

Tonight Brett and i were talking about what it means to suffer as a Christian, be it physically, emotionally or mentally.  WHen life gets hard and you face trials of many kinds, my question to Brett was, “Where is Gods love?”

As a christian i believe God can only act out of Love.  It is impossible for Him to act outside of His great love for us.  But I often ask Him, “What about those children, Lord, the ones being sold against their will, sexually abused repeatedly, just for an individuals gratification- be it financially or sexually? Where is Your Love in that?”

Brett and i went out to dinner tonight and human suffering was the main topic of conversation.  I asked Brett, “Suppose i DO one day rescue women and children from being Trafficked, how on earth can i look them in the eye and say, ‘Jesus loves you’?”

I often think this every day on my way to work.  How can you tell someone who has suffered GREATLY  ”God loves you.”?  I know God loves me.  However, I also have had a VERY simple and safe life.  What about those people who have had serious trials, heartache…say….sold into the sex trade against their will?

Brett gave a simple answer.  He said, “Gods love does not equal comfort.”

We concluded at dinner that there is nothing comfortable about dying on a cross for the sins of mankind. Yet it was out of Gods love that it happened.  Gods love does not equal comfort.

This pretty much sums up. My friend Amy (the “dress lady” as some of my coworkers put it who have seen her on the news) happened to write a blog post about this very thing today.

I often forget there is a second force at play in our world, evil.  I call him Satan.  God did not create evil, but he allowed it to manifest.  If you want to get technical, Satan was really the one who created evil, not God.

Evil is not stronger then Love.

I often, too, forget about Satan. That he indeed is very real.  He hates you, he hates me, and anything that smells like God.   He will do anything to turn all of us to hate anything of God and to even blame God for our problems.  Satan- another blog entry for another time.

For some reason i thought April 1st was on tuesday…its really friday.  Friday is when i start my dress war.

The dance will be happening June 2-5th.  GOD IS SO AWESOME. The funds were raised

Its bittersweet,  I wont be able to go.  I will be at my cousins wedding in Vegas!

The Dance.

After my last blog post (the one about me going baby crazy worrying if i can get pregnant) i felt my spirit go “whoa, Colleen, what did God tell you in November?  No really, consider what He told you in November.”

Oh, I probably should rewind to THIS blog.  The “gripping fear” that shook my innermost-being that day at work was this phrase:

“You will never get pregnant.”

Once that phrase was spoken i couldn’t get a hold of myself.  My heart started pumping, my mind started swirling, i felt suffocated, panicked.

So I started to cry right in the Eagles Nest.  And i said “Lord, i need you to show me truth.”

That is when He said, “Do you believe I AM sovereign?  Do you believe I act only out of Love?”

I think that last blog was my answer.  NO.  As much as i know these truths about God, clearly, im not believing them.   Since Novemeber, that phrase “you will never get pregnant” has stuck with me like a leech- sucking the life and joy out of me.

Sunday night i found myself in a whirlwind of lies.  Brett sat next to me on the couch and we started to pray.  We broke any “agreements” i have made with the Enemy.  For example:  It took my one friend at work 8 years to get pregnant, she had to do artificial insemination.

Thats gonna be you.  I would hear.

Another mom i know wasnt metabolizing her suger corectly causing crystals to form around her ovaries keeping her from ovulating.

thats gonna be you.  I would hear.

Another person i know can only carry her baby 5 months before her body goes into labor.  She has been unable to carry with success

thats gonna be you.  I would hear.

The lies became agreements to me when i said, “yes” to them as they were whispered to me. Finally i reasoned- they cant all be me!

So as i said before, Brett and i prayed and we broke all the “agreements” i made with the Enemy. I felt a really calm and peace afterward.  IT brought be back to the truths of God, that He is sovereign and He is loving.   Then Brett told me.  ”You hear other peoples stories and make them your own.”

Huh,  I guess i do do that.  I take other peoples journeys and burden myself with them- make them my own and believe them to be true about me.   And i found, i haven’t just been doing that with this whole pregnancy thing, i do it with most areas in my life.  When i hear about other peoples trials in life, i automatically make it true for me too.  You name it, i probably think it will happen to me.  This is probably why im a hypochondriac.

Today when i was working out,  God said something simple and quick to me.  It wasnt a promise of a baby or any guarantee of any sort, but it calmed my mind for now.  He said, “I have My own story for you.”

I like that.  He doesn’t have MY story for me, he has HIS story for me.

Ill leave all you other worry-warts with this scripture:

For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. – 1 timothy 1:7

On a related note: Im not gonna post every time i get my period, cuz then it will be really obvious if or when i get pregnant.  But i just find it odd that i got my period.  A whopping 7 days early.