ColleensLife

If you are ever wondering what kind of secret emotions you are keeping buried deep inside yourself, there is nothing like self-denial to unearth them.

Do you ever see little hints of CrAzY emotions veering their ugly head from time to time?  Be it anger, rage, negative attitude, spontaneous sadness, deep depression, anxiety, you look back at those surprising moments and think, “What the heck was THAT about?”

Self denial.  It will bring those buried emotions right out – full force.  In fact they will run rampant.

That is what happened to me during this Daniel Fast that I joined in on with my church.

For those of you not familiar with the Daniel Fast, its based of off Daniels fast in the bible when he was earnestly seeking the Lord about an issue he had.  He pretty much limited himself to fruits, veggies and natural substances. He only ate plan and simple foods.  No meat, cheese, or choice foods (anything processed or surgery).  Learn more here

So what was i earnestly seeking the Lord on?  I wanst sure when i stared.  But God in His faithfulness revealed much to me.   Specifically, He revealed that I use coffee and food as a coping mechanism to burry any unwanted feelings or emotions.  I also use both of those to get through any day that im not particularly looking forward to.

Within the first few days of the fast i found that what got me up in the morning was the idea of having a quad grande, two pump, no whip, white mocha.  If i woke up feeling like i didnt want to face the day, or if i felt like my day might be completely meaningless or boring, i would get a White Mocha.   If i felt sad or depressed-  white mocha.  Anxious or angry-  white mocha.

Same with fast food.  If i felt i was having a particularly hard day, I would pamper myself with fast food on my break (i do have a McDonnalds, Burger King and Taco Bell within walking distance of my one store).  The particularly hard days i had every once in awhile started turning in to once a week, then to a few times a week, to everyday.  And then one day i woke up and my pants didnt fit.

I cut myself off (not knowingly) of all my comforts with this fast.  Needless to say, the first week was a roller coaster of emotions.   I felt like a drug addict who was denied drugs and had to face the consequeces of letting my body adjust to life without its numbing power.  My  withdraw side-affects were an explosion of emotions i couldn’t control.

I sunk into a bit of deep depression, which i always fear since i truly believe God has given me victory over this. Symptoms of a UTI returned, and anger spewed everywhere.  Deep down, as awful as i felt, i knew it was good for me to journey this path.  I needed to learn to be able to get through, not just a day, but a lifetime without these things that numb me.  Give up coffee forever??? NA!  But i want to be at a healthy spot with it.  I dont want to feel like i need it for momentary joy or happiness.  Peace out fast food!  I never really liked you anyways!

Much happened spiritually during those three weeks which ill share in a later blog.   God gave me some direct answers about why i was feeling depressed and whatnot.  To hear His Gentle voice say  ”i know this seems scary but its Good that this is happening” is my calm in the middle of the storm.

So, because of all the major life changes i took on all at one time during this fast, i decided for my physical and mental health not to continue to work out for the month of january (which was my NY resolution).  IT became to much at once.  So i decided since january was the fast with my church, feb will be my work out month.

So how about you?  What do you do to dull the pain

Monday i went to both my HOlistic Doc and my Urologist.

First was the Urologist.  Test came back inconclusive with high white blood cell count.  This is same result i get when i take home tests, super super high white blood cell count and no sign of infection.   So my body is fighting something.  He prescribed me some antibiotics just incase and sent me on my way.  He sent a culture in for lab work and was supposed to call me Wednesday only if they found anything.  No call.

I then saw my Holistic Doc who has now found 19 different species of mold in my body (the yeast she treated me for before is gone).   Our Christmas tree did grow a disgusting amount of mold on it this year.  It had so much mold on it, it smelled like vomit.  Perhaps my body is fighting mold, which is why i always have high white blood cell count.  My Holistic doc knew exactly what molds are in my body and how to treat it.  So she gave me some natural medication.  She also thinks that my body is holding damaging emotions in certain areas of my body, kind of like what our bodies do with stress, but instead with emotions like fear or insecurity, ya know, the damaging emotions.

I decided to take a risk.  I decided not to take the antibiotics and only take the medication that my Holistic Doc gave.  I started her medication on monday. My symptoms are going away.

Since the test came back inconclusive with no call back on Wednesday, that means i did not have a UTI!  This is the longest ive gone since this time last year.   Still, i wish i knew what was causing my symptoms.  Im more and more convinced its mold.

Im sitting here, alone.  ITs almost midnight. Brett is away on a conference.  Id like a shoulder to cry on.  Im torn to pieces.  The last two nights ive been waking up in the middle of the night with back pain.  Pinched nerve? no.  Twist my back wrong? no.  Sleep on it wrong?  Possibly. But today the ache lasted all day long.  Its the kind of back ache ive been fearing for 3 months…..along with all the other symptoms of a UTI.

What is this journey im on?  What more do i have to learn? What more am i supposed to do? I have exhausted every possibility trying to find healing from this.

I refuse to make a doc appointment for next week.  Im sick of taking stabs in the dark.  Do i go to the regular doctor? Holistic doctor?  Try healing oils that are to expensive on top of all the other medical bills ive been paying?

Im about 90% sure i have one.  I have all the symptoms.  My last one was in october, that was about 3 months ago.  I was hoping to make it past that 3 month mark.  i didn’t, its been 3 months to the day.