ColleensLife

I have been a worry-wart lately.  I have been worrying about something specific and, more recently, something very dear to my heart…something i dont feel like sharing just yet.

I was taking down my Thanksgiving decorations at work on friday.  I was minding my own business, thinking my own thoughts, humming a tune in my heart; when all of a sudden gripping fear, anxiety and frustration shook my innermost being in relation to this thing that is so dear to me.

Heart racing, room swirling, chest tightening, breath shortening, muscles tensing, fear… gripping my neck.  Hopelessness consuming me over this…thing.

Abba Father…help.  What is truth? lies are consuming me….

It comes down to two things, My Daughter:  Do you believe I AM sovereign?  Do you believe I act only out of love?

Perhaps one day i will share what this thing is that the enemy so enthusiastically wants to attack and cause fear towards.   As for now, all i can do is trust in Gods sovereignty and love.

My identity is significantly wrapped up in my hair.   In fact, my identity is so wrapped up in my hair that i get anxiety when i get it cut.  Thats why ive been cutting my own hair since high school.  That is why ive looked the same since high school.  Im to afraid to change.

However, For 10 years i have looked the same.  The exact same.  Since High School- the same.   For one year i have really wanted bangs but i was to chicken to get them.  Tonight i realized that this has got to stop.

I ran in to a friend a few days ago who cut her own bangs and they look cute.   She explained to me how she did it and i thought to myself, “i can do that.”

So today, about 45 mins before leaving to go to thanksgiving dinner, i did it.  I cut myself some bangs.  Coincidentally my High school reunion is tomorrow.   10 years.  Unfortunately i work.

After a low week, i had a super uplifting Sunday.  Last Sunday was the first day i started to feel better after a long month of pain.   I’ve had a few “dark” moments in my life,  I would say the week before this past Sunday was the darkest week of my life.

But God, in His super loving ways, blessed me with a loving mother and two adorable nephews that i just cant seem to get enough of.  I love them as my own.  I spent time with them on Sunday and it was the perfect elixir to a horrible week.

My nephew Elijah (such a prophetic name.  He will be a prophet for the Lord one day)  is about a year and a half old.  Anyone who has kids or works with kids knows that most boys between the ages 1 and 5 LOVE trains.  Elijah absolutely loves them.  He calls them “choo choos.”

Great Northern Mall has a real train that people can pay to ride.  It’s not a train on a track that rides in circles. it is actually a real train that rides around the inside of a mall on wheels controlled by a driver.  It is equipped with a bell, a horn, and all the “train noises” you can imagine.   When the train rounded the corner- Elijah yelled “choo choo!”  Seeing my nephews happiness heals my heart.

Here is a picture of the train.  If you look in the background, you can see the conductor accepting the tickets.