ColleensLife

Myself, all my aunts, my uncle and my cousin Elizabeth decided to see the movie Inception on Wednesday night while we were on vacation. Great movie.  I recommend it!  After the movie we were trying to figure out where to go for dinner.  I wasnt to hungry so I was wavering back and forth in my mind what to do, go back to the beach house? or go out to eat?

Around 9:30, as we stopped on the boardwalk to use the restroom, my sister called me on my cell phone upset and frantic.

Sister: “Colleen, we lost Elijah’s shoe somewhere on the boardwalk.  Can you look for it?”

Me:  ”Are you serious? Have you seen the boardwalk at night? Its like shoulder to shoulder right now. Plus I’m with the family.”

(Triple the people, that is the boardwalk at night)

Sister: (quivering voice as she holds back tears)  ”Please, they were really expensive shoes and I’m upset that we lost it.”

Me:  ”OK, well dont cry.  I’ll look for it.  Remember, its just a shoe christine.  At least you didnt loose Elijah!”

Sister:  ”I know, but they were expensive.”

In the background I heard my little nephew Evan say, “Mommy! You pray first THEN call Aunt Colleen.”

That did it for me.  My heart is always moved by Evans little heart and faith to pray to God for a miracle.  Quickly in my heart I prayed, “If for anything Lord, help me find this shoe for my little nephews faith and heart.”  Seconds later, just like that, I forgot about the shoe as I was distracted by a gigantic slug in a flower patch.

(That is a quarter, my friends.)

I didn’t think about the shoe again.  Lets face it, if you saw a slug that huge, would you be thinking about finding a kid shoe?  Plus, I was still debating whether or not I wanted to go out to eat with everyone.

I was kinda lagging behind the family as we continued down the boardwalk.  I was in the middle of thinking, “I need to catch up” when the thought, “THE SHOE” interrupted my thought process.  Its kinda hard to explain what happened next but, here I go.

It was as if someone had shouted in my hear, “THE SHOE.”  And I felt a “flipping” feeling just above my stomach.  Along with that, it was as if someone grabbed the back of my shoulders and jolted me back a few steps literally stopping me in my tracts.  I could not really move.  All I was doing in that moment was processing what was going on.  “What is happening right now? This has to be GOd.” I thought to myself as I started scanning the boardwalk in that area for the shoe.  “It must be around here.”

As I searched to my left I saw nothing.  I scanned in front of me , behind me, and all about the area.  As I looked to my right I saw the boardwalks famous Christmas Store.  Almost uncontrollably and yet also by choice I started walking towards the store knowing (somehow) whatever I found in there would lead me to the shoe.  Before I went in I hesitated and thought, “This is dumb, the shoe isnt in there.  I will feel so stiupid thinking God is leading me in here just to find there is no shoe.”

But I just had to know.  I quickly excused myself from the family group telling them that I decided I wasn’t going to go to eat and that I needed to check something in the Christmas Store.  ”ill catch up with you guys later.”  I said.

I entered the stores doorway, it was mass chaos.  Yeesh, people were everywhere.  As I started searching the ground I “felt” or “heard” something say, “Go to the counter and ask for THE SHOE.”  That “feeling” was coupled with the thought, “I might as well ask if anyone turned it in first.  If no one did, ill search the store.  I just know its in here.” I reasoned to myself, “Why else would i have felt such a strong urge to come in here after being stopped in my tracts by the thought of THE SHOE.”

I walked up to the casher and said softly, “Um, Excuse me.  Has anyone turned in a shoe?  Like a kids shoe?”

“Ive seen a kids shoe.”  said a voice to my right.

Me: “huh???  You have???!!!”  I turned my head to see a woman checking out.

The woman: “Yes.  Was it a Stride Right?”

Me:  ”I think so, im not really sure. Like a little kids shoe? or sandal ?”

The woman: “Yes,  Its a sandal. I saw it a ways from here by the Gorilla Golf (about 200 ft).  I set it aside because I figured  someone would come looking for it.  Those are expensive shoes!

I was beside myself in bewilderment as the lady was talking to me.  My bottom of my jaw must have brushed against the floor.  Im not sure I was listening to the woman much after that as I was thinking “Jesus, wow, thank you, thank you.” At the same time wondering “Could this be THE SHOE?  What if its not? Ill be all excited for nothing and feel so foolish.” I decided to tell the lady that I am a Christian who believes in the power of Jesus and that I was praying that I would find the shoe.  She responded to me with, “I am a Christian too! Infact, right now im buying a cross for my son because he is going away to college.  If you wait just a second, ill take you to the shoe.”

Me (dumb-founded): “Uuuhhhoooookkkk, wow thank you.”

As we walked out of the store, chatting about each of our sides of the story about THE SHOE, sure enough, there it was, THE SHOE, right where the women left it.  It was indeed Elijah’s shoe.  When the woman handed it to me, i just stared at it, laughing and shaking my head in astonishment. Meanwhile, at that same spot the shoe was, the lady and I ran back into my family and I was able to share the whole story with them.  Then we called my sister and told her we found it.

The family and I chatted a bit with the women, whose name turned out to be Misty.  Then, shoe in hand, I ran all the way back to the beach house….in my flip-flops.  I walked right up to my nephew and said, “Did you pray little buddy? Cuz God hears your prayers” And I handed him the shoe.  ”i DID pray aunt Colleen.” He said to me.

I later came to find out that my sister, Mike and the kids had walked the whole boardwalk that night and had ventured out on to the beach.  The shoe could had been anywhere. The board walk is at least a few miles long.  I also came to find that after I called my sister informing her that we found the shoe, she told my nephew, who responded with a “yup” as if he new all along that God would bring it back.

I still cant believe it.  I play it over and over in my head knowing this is no coincidence.  The shoe could have been anywhere on the whole boardwalk.  Jesus lead me into the Christmas Store, not to find the shoe, but to find the woman who knew where the shoe was.  The timing was perfect.  Misty was just about to check out.  Had she not been at the counter at that moment, she wouldn’t have heard me ask the cashier for the shoe.  If i would have hesitated, doubted for to long or simply decided to search the store first, Misty would have checked out and left.  Isnt God neat?  His timing is perfect.  Could He have lead me right to the shoe?  Sure!  But this is a much better story. Perhaps Misty was an Angel?

Little Elijah.  He loves his hat, sunglasses, and (im not just saying this either)…his shoes.

The trip ive been waiting for since I married Brett came to be this past week.  I have always wanted to take Brett to Ocean City so that he could share in my childhood memories.  Six months ago, my whole family decided that indeed this trip was going to happen in August. The whole family, we took the trip together.  My sister , brother-in-law, the kids and my parents drove up together on Saturday.  Brett and I followed Sunday morning at 2am.  Yes, 2am.  Ill say upfront that I had a blast this week.  I think we all did.

But, as life happens sometimes, after being on the road for about 6hrs, brett and I got a call from his dad.  We came to find that Bretts grandfather, Chester, took a turn for the worst, out of nowhere.  He had, minutes, maybe hrs.  Half hr later, he passed.

As some of you may know, this happened to me with my grandfather last year when we were about to go on the same exact trip (only the girls of the family went that time.  No hubbies).

So to my shock, and fighting selfishness, I turned to God in my heart thinking, “Seriously?”  Shortly there after, I remember what God taught me last year when this happened. He told me a simple phrase, “Colleen, life is not about you.”    This phrase is what I leaned on this time as well.

Brett and I decided to finish off the 2 hrs to Ocean CIty and wait to see what the funeral arrangements were.  There was really nothing else we could do.  Driving back was not an option as we had been driving all night.

Brett was able to stay 3 wonderful, fun-filled days and then drove back home for the funeral.  I was still able to show him all of my wonderful memories from my past. Though the week wasnt exactly as I hoped and planned for, God is still so good.  When it came time to leave, Brett insisted I stay and finish off the rest of my week enjoying the vacation with my family.

Here are some pics for you to enjoy.

Ocean City

A family near us built this awesome sand castle

Nephews!

The other day i was driving in my car and i thought to myself, “for the first time in my life, i finally feel normal.”

For those of you who have journeyed through life with me, you understand that this is a big deal.  For as far back as i can remember, i  remember feeling sad, angry, and frustrated all the time.  Even as a child i remember not really being happy.  I just assumed everyone felt this way.

Through elementary school, middle school and high school, i always seemed to have an angry attitude about me.  Most of the time i was sad, and i remember trying to compensate that by trying to put things in my life that would make me temporarily happy- Dance, a boyfriend, having friends, always going out on the weekends, food. Eventually alcohol and maybe experimented with some pot.   But those would eventually end.  I remember  I was easily frustrated, easily angered, and easily disappointed.

As i accepted Christ’s salvation and continued on to college, i started to realize that its not normal to be sad all the time, super angry, and have a horrible attitude about everything.  I noticed i would cry a lot for no reason….which would make me cry more because i was confused since life was fine.

Thats when i realized i probably suffered from depression.  I mean, come on…it runs on both sides of my family.  The funny thing about realizing you have depression and deciding to take medication for it, is that its not very accepted in society, which makes me more depressed.  We accept taking meds for inter-body issues like diabetes, or thyroid problems.  But when it comes to chemical imbalances in the brain that cause sadness….all of a sudden your CrAzY!

I didnt care, i took the meds for 3 years.  It helped.  I saw a counselor about some inner issues and started feeling better.  Not so much better that i felt “normal”.  It was just enough to help me get through life and manage school and whatnot.

When you see a counselor who doesn’t really give a crap what happened to you because he cares more about your healing, you can work through your issues really quick.  ”Stop playing the victim and throwing pitty parties for yourself” he would tell me.  One time he told me, “you are too needy, thats your problem”.  Yeesh.  But i liked him.  He cared about full healing.  His philosophy was, “If you have to keep coming back to see me…..then im not doing my job.”  He was hard on me, but i liked him, and i will always recommend him.

I eventually did work through my issues.  I felt God say, “It is time to ween off of your meds and let Me heal the rest.”  And i did just that about 3 years ago.  Didnt feel “normal” per-se, but i was coping with life. I was fine.   …….i was just……fine.

“where is this life to the fullest God??  Where is this unexplainable JOY you talk about?   Im not necessarily depressed, anymore…but im not experiencing joy.”

A few months back i started falling in to depression again.  Gosh, i was supper bummed becasue i was SO CONVINCED God had healed me.  I finally got to a point where i told God that if He led me to go back on meds i would, but, i would rather wait for His healing if thats where He led.

“But Jesus, more then anything, more then money, a fixed nose, a big house, the right church, protection from desease – more then ANYTHING……please, i want Your joy.  I will give anything to show your light though joy.”

I didnt really “hear” or “feel” Him say anything back, but, i got an impression in my heart that he would infact heal me, that he would infact give me unexplainable joy, but that it would be a fight.

So this is what i felt led to do:

- Be aware of the times i start to feel most sad, angry, depressed, irritable. I keep a close eye on my monthly cycle (sorry men who are reading this) as i know i get a little down in the dumps during that time, and irritable, and cranky, and angry and….

-Dont complain or be negative.  Negativity is a breading ground for the demonic (is what i felt God say to me).  Whenever i felt the urge to complain or be negative about something, i would instead find a reason to praise God for whatever it was that was bothering me.  I am tempted to complain on facebook…so i made conscious decisions to try and only post positive things.

-Turn your car into a place of worship.  I have about a 40 minute drive to work each way.  I normally listen to Elvis Duran (which im NOT against).  But i noticed the songs and what they talked about werent helping my issue.  So i decided to take those 40 mins and worship my God and thank HIm for the new day head.

- Pray, Pray, Pray Pray, nuf said

- And of course, wash myself with Gods Word

I started doing this about 3 months ago.  Just made these practices apart of my everyday routine.  Last week my husband came up to me and said, “I wanted to tell you that you seem like a different person.  I havent heard you complain in a long time, you seem so joyful and happy.”  I realized that i DID feel like a different person. And that, without me even realizing it, i was feeling this unexplainable joy.  This conversation caused me to reflect on the past 3 months.  I realized that i have not been depressed in the past 3 months! i actually was SUPER joyful!  It is as if my whole world is different- i now love my job (out of no where), love my life in cleveland (out of nowhere), and just simply love life (out of nowhere)  I just feel…..finally…… normal!

Nonetheless, it was still a fight, and still is.  You need to know, my circumstances have not changed.  My life is still the same as it was 6 months ago, a year ago, 3 years ago. Nothing super awesome happened.  What has changed is my attitude, my practices and (of course) letting God step in.

Today i was reading the book Crazy Love.  Francsis Chan said this about Joy:

We tend to think of joy as something that ebbs and flows depending on life’s circumstances.  But we don’t just lose joy, as though one day we have it and the next it’s gone, oh darn.  Joy is something that we have to choose and then work for.  Like the ability to run for an hour, it doesn’t come automatically.  It needs cultivation….

….The bible teaches that true joy is formed in the midst of the difficut seasons of life….

… joy doesn’t depend on circumstances or environment; it is a gift that must be chosen and cultivated, a gift that untimely comes from God.

For those of you who have stuck by me through thick and thin…thank you.  To my wonderful husband Brett – you are going to have the hugest, most ginormous crown in heaven for putting up with me! JK.  I love you babe.  Thanks for always being patent, kind, and loving towards me in my weak times.  Thanks for always encouraging me and speaking Gods grace over my life.